In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?
Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife.
Check out these actual written excuses from parents, excerpted from the Sept/Oct 1996 issue of Campus Life:
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. She fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
(I sure hope she finds it before the prom!)
Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
(I hate those lo-o-o-ng winter months!)
Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.
(Wow! Talk about growing pains!)
My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
(Ouch!)
Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his fathers fault.
(Blame it on Dad!)
Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
(But I hear his consonants are doing just fine!)
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
(I suppose he had some vowels too, but I guess theyre OK!)
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
(Thanks a lot, Mom!)
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Coolwip on the side……….you might be a Redneck
If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ……….you might be a Redneck
If you think a courter horse is that ride in front of Kmart……….you might be a Redneck
If the biggest city youve ever been too is Walmart……….you might be a Redneck
Hello. Tech Support; may I help you? Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away? They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing.
Nothing? Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? How do I tell?
[Uh-oh. Well, lets give it a try anyway.] Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? Whats a sea-prompt?
[Uh-huh, thought so. Lets try a different tack.] Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.
[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/hes kicked out his/her monitors power plug?]
Does your monitor have a power indicator? Whats a monitor?
Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on? I dont know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] Yes, I think so.
Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall. [pause] Yes, it is.
[Hmm. Well, thats interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I dont want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I dont know what kind of monitor s/he has and its bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. [muffled] Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer. [still muffled] I cant reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? [clear again] No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle–its because its dark.
Dark? Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then. I cant.
No? Why not? Because theres a power outage.
A power–!?! …[AAAAAAARGH!]A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad? Yes, Im afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them youre TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–"
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity.
The lawyer thought for a moment. Whats the catch? he asked.
Womens Quote of the Day:
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner.
Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Be sure to check your work for accuracy and completemess.
An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.
The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?
Sure, pal.
It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.
The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me.
The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.
Many thanks, whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm…
Now hang on just a darn minute, interrupted the American angrily. Are you trying to escape?
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test aint too hard;life was a big enough test as it was.
Saint Peter goes on, Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is Gods first name?
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
Forrest says, Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that ones easy; thatd be Today and Tomorrow.
The saints eyes opened wide and he exclaims, Forrest! Thats not what I was thinking, but…you do have a point though, and I guess I didnt specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? says Saint Peter. How many seconds in a year?
Now that ones harder, says Forrest. But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.
Astounded, Saint Peter says, Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?
Forrest says, Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…
Hold it, interrupts Saint Peter. I see where youre going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind. Ill give you credit for that one too.
Lets go on with the next and final question, says Saint Peter. Can you tell me Gods first name?
Forrest says, Well, shore, I know Gods first name. Everybody knows it. Its Howard.
Howard?! asks Saint Peter. What makes you think its Howard?!
Forrest answers, Its in the prayer.
The prayer? asks Saint Peter, Which prayer?
You know, The Lords Prayer, responds Forrest:
Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…