Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnt paying attention in class. She called on him and said, Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.

You might be a redneck if…
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long
counter intuitive names. Dont ever code a=b, rather do something
like:

AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast, think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in
macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include
files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference
those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your
code. If they understand it, they dont need you.

Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary
in the world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always
hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they dont
need you.

Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a
pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If
they can understand you, they dont need you.

Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was
easy and anyone can do it and they dont need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever
but dont answer the question. If they get their questions answered
they dont need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When
someone asks you out to lunch, reply:

I cant because Ive almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP
client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP
sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP
packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with
release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.

Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address
someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use
the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out
from concentrating on complex logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt
whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely.
Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your
mystique.

How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

One day at the end of class little Johnnys teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy. Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies Dont count your eggs before theyre hatched.

Last is little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, Dont fuck with uncle Ted when hes been drinking!

Dear diary, there just arent enough hours in the day get everything done in the office. For example:

9:05

Attended meeting to discuss how far weve progressed since the last meeting. A decision was not forthcoming about exactly what we should be carrying forward to the next meeting. The date of the next meeting would be verified after consultation with all parties in attendance – individually – at their convenience.

10:00

Opened mail to discover minutes of a meeting that had absolutely no connection with my work whatsoever. Forwarded the minutes to my boss after entering unsolicited internal mail in relevant statistics column on monthly sheet.

10:30

Checked e-mail and found unsavory message, promising me a money back guarantee and improved circulation. Was helped back to my chair by colleague so that I was able to hit delete button and regain my composure.

11:00

Checked e-mail to find provisional dates for next meeting. Checked my calendar to find I was provisionally booked for other meetings on both dates.

11:30

About to make a start when I received a call from on high.

12:00

Returned to desk after explaining why I was wasting time reading unsavory e-mail.

12:15

Sold the car and raised enough to buy lunch in the Staff Club.

1:00

Lunch

2:00

Went in search of some missing correspondence. Bumped into colleague from 9:05 meeting and grumbled about the waste of time, squandered resources, the price of fish etc.

3:00

Located missing correspondence. Arranged discrete disposal of same. Got caught by someone with a sponsor sheet. Promised them ten dollars if their twelve-year old completes twenty lengths of the school pool. Offered another twenty dollars if they promised not to mention the fact that they had witnessed disposal of correspondence.

4:00

Attended meeting to discuss risk assessment. For instance, was there anything lying about the office which was potentially dangerous.

5:00

Left office after receiving e-mail about a proposed meeting for later in the week. Left the building after walking into a door-post. Offered a weak theory to puzzled onlookers, that it was inconceivable for something that was neither wall nor door to possibly have injured me. Made for the car with my head down. Reached where the car should have been before remembering that I had sold it.

I suppose I must lead what some people would consider to be a full life!

Dave

What women want in a man at age 22:1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic loverWhat women want in a man at age 32:1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a weekWhat women want in a man at age 42:1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when Im talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekendsWhat women want in a man at age 52:1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public
3. Doesnt borrow money too often
4. Doesnt nod off to sleep when Im venting
5. Doesnt re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekendsWhat women want in a man at age 62:1. Doesnt scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why hes laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that its the weekendWhat women want in a man at

<YFEM> = Your Favorite Ethnic Minority.

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German
and a <YFEM>, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As
the final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape
his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American
is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is
being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape
by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and
then running away.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
10, 9, 8, …… Just before the officer reaches 1, the American
shouts, FLOOD!! Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their
rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this
confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the American
has made his way deep into the woods. And, of course, for the purposes
of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The German is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing
the Americans success, the German decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the flood
trick again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
10, 9, 8, …… Just before the officer reaches 1, the German
shouts, HURRICANE!! Startled, all of the gunmen look up
from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In
all of the confusion, the German manages to take off his blindfold and
run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, the
German has made his way deep into the woods. Again, of course, for the
purposes of this joke, no attempt is made to catch the runaway.

The <YFEM> is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing
his predecessors successes, the <YFEM> decides to attempt a similar escape.
He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the flood or
the hurricane tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural
disaster.

The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
10, 9, 8, …… Just before the officer reaches 1, the <YFEM>
shouts, FIRE!!