26
Dec

The Lost Old Hat

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead
of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door, and took him to a pew
where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the ten commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand
vigorously, and told him, I want to thank you, preacher, for saving my soul
today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the ten
commandments, I decided against it.

The preacher said, You mean the commandment I shall not steal changed your
mind?

The old man replied, No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that,
I remembered where I left my old hat!

26
Dec

Why

Q: why is a mans pee yellow and his sperm white?

A: so he can tell ifs hes coming or going

26
Dec

Hymns for the over-50 crowd

Precious Lord, Take My Hand … And Help Me Up

It Is Well with My Soul … But My Knees Hurt

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain … But Speak Up

Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Blessed Insurance

and my all time favorite …

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah … Ive Forgotten Where I Parked

26
Dec

Lawyers in the Trees

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

25
Dec

What are Three questions a Philosophy Student always asks?

1. What is the meaning of life?2. What is the point of existance?3. Would you like fries with your order?

25
Dec

Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.She then wrote a note saying,Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The blonde pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

25
Dec

Nerdz

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.
Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
Why did you do that?
Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.

25
Dec

ugly

Yo mama so ugly, that if ugly were bricks shed be the Great Wall of China.

25
Dec

In Earnest

A strange thing happened to me the other day when I went to Alpha
Beta. As I was in the check-out line, I noticed a woman staring at
me. She asked me if my name was Earnest. I said, No, it isnt. She
said I looked just like her long lost son, whose name was Earnest. I
said that I was very sorry to hear that. She showed me a picture of
him and there was some resemblance. She then asked me: Do you mind if
I call you Earnest? I replied: Well yes, I do. I said to myself:
What is this woman doing? As she stepped out, I notice her waiting
for me. So when I stepped out, she mumbled something but I just
kept going. She started yelling: wait! I quickly put my groceries in
the car and as I was getting into the drivers seat, she began pulling
on my leg, just like Im pulling yours.

{cbosgd,decwrl,hplabs,seismo,ucbvax}!sun!warp!rock Bill Petro

25
Dec

BAD-vertising

Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish, where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, Salem-Feeling Free, was translated into the Japanese market as When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside, since most people cant read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el Papa), the shirts read I saw the potato (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Pepsis Come alive with the Pepsi Generation translated into Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave, in Chinese.

Frank Perdues chicken slogan, it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, it wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word embarazar (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant