A livestock exhibition was held at a nearby stud farm. Farmers from neighboring provinces flocked to the station to see the blue ribbon animals. A couple came to witness the event. Standing before the stall of a champion bull, the wife asked the proud owner how many times a week did the bull perform his stud duties.

Oh, it depends, replied the owner.About four or five times on the average.

Did you hear that. she turned to her husband,mentally comparing the latters sexual performance. Four or five times per week!

And how many cows would be serviced by that bull? the husband asked the owner.

Oh, about four or five cows a week? was the reply.

Did you hear that? remarked the husband triumphantly.With a different cow each time!!!!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there aint nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and youre next.
And your point is …
I used to be schizophrenic, but were ok now.
Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name – youll be screaming it later.
Of course I dont look busy … I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
Im one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you wont go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. Im not.

(I dont know where this joke comes from originally; I heard it from
my father, who says he heard it many years ago and doesnt remember
from whom.)

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the mans work, saying, May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, its like a completely different place–the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have
accomplished together!

Yes, reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinoccios nose?

Tell a lie.

This is probably a true story

I ordered 2 Megs of RAM. They arrived on Friday.

On Monday, I had the following conversation with the people from whom I bought them.

Hello, this is MacCenter, how can I help you?

I ordered two Megs of RAM last week and I received them but Im having trouble getting them out of the package.

What seems to be the problem?

Theyre encased in a laser printer.

(silence)

Oh my goodness!

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.



The manager asks, What is it without touching it?



The blind man replies, Thats a good piece of fir.



Correct, says the manager, now try this one.



Thats a bad piece of willow, says the blind man.



Correct, answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.



Im confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?



The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.



The blind man says, Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the bathroom door off a tuna boat!

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest
she has a huge red H. The doctor asks, How did you get that red H on your
chest? and the girl replies, My boyfriend goes to Harvard and hes so proud of
his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when were making love.

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her
shirt and has a huge blue Y on her chest. The doctor asks, How did you get
that blue Y on your chest? and the girl replies, My boyfriend goes to Yale
and hes so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even
when were making love.

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt
and she has a huge green M on her chest. The doctor asks, Do you have a
boyfriend who goes to Michigan? and the girl replies, No, but I have a
girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
The Pillsbury doughboy is WAY too happy considering he has no dick.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fuck off! What good is the god damn cake if you cant eat it? What, should I eat someone elses cake instead?
When people say Its always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who are these people? Where do they come from?
When people say, while watching a movie Did you see that? No dick, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
The radio ad Hi, Im Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Dont drink and drive. I dont. Well, I hope you dont drive sober either Mr. Healey. Youre blind for Gods sake.
People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!