Old and New Jokes

There came a big flood, and the water around Bholas house was rising steadily..

Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here. Bhola replied, No thanks, God will save me.

Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here.

Again, Bhola replied, No thanks. God will save me.

The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, Ill drop you a rope,grab onto it, and Ill get you out of here.

Again Bhola replied, No thanks. God will save me.

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, Why didnt you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing?

Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind or what?

Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.

But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that?

But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up.

If you do that, I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman.

I didnt even touch you, growls the sheriff.

Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

This is an at and t and mci conversation so why dont you sprint out?

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasnt bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.



Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.



On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing… it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didnt get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.



Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!

Recently one of my friends was complaining about being bored stiff with
the daily routine. So heres my own solution to the problem
(with apologies to David Letterman).

10. Design and implement Ada++

9. Start a campaign to move the Grand Canyon out of Arizona

8. Yell nasty things to friendly neighborhood gangsters while jogging at 3 am

7. Make obscene phone calls to 1-900-FONE-SEX

6. Get to know the inside of your nose

5. Play tackle football with the Eagles defensive line

4. Suggest new alliances with Middle Eastern terrorist states to President Bush

3. Practice ventriloquism by saying Hit me at blackjack tables in Las Vegas

2. Research material for term paper The Musical Genius of Milli Vanilli

1. Ponder on the question that has stumped philosophers for years:
What makes teflon stick to the frying pan?

Be nice to your kids… they will pick out your nursing home someday!

Gomer went into town for some R & R when he met up with a very attractive
young lady. After talking to Gomer for over an hour, she invited him to her
apartment for dinner. Upon arriving at the apartment, the lady laid down on
the bed and said,Do you know what I want? Gomer, looking confused, said
No. The lady then removed her clothes. Now do you know what I want? Gomer
shook his head. The lady then spread her legs slightly. Now do you know what
I want? Gomer again shook his head. The lady spread her legs as wide as she
could, her heels touching each side of the bed. NOW, do you know what I
want? Yes, maam, Gomer replied, Youre tired, you want to take a nap, and
you want the whole bed to yourself.

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom. 8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment. 6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 5) You find yourself typing com after every period.com. 4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. 2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded, the Russian President cried. My peoples favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster! Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you, replied the President. I do need your help, said Yeltsin. Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over? Why certainly! Ill get right on it, said Bush. Oh, and one more small favor, please? said Putin. Yes? Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 long and 4 in diameter? said Putin. No problem, replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Freecondoms.com. I need a favor, youve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia. Consider it done, said the President of Freecondoms.com. Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10 long and 4 wide. Easily done. Anything else? Yeah, said the President, print MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL on each one.