Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?

A: Santaclaustrophobia!

(I found this in rec.motorcycles, and thought you might like it.)

Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.–Oscar Wilde

Starting monthly salary for US Marine…$984.60

One Bradley Fighting Vehicle…$3.16 million

Humanitarian aid for Iraq…$20 billion

Kickin back with the boys in Saddams Palace…priceless

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother, For she was my fathers wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother

To the widows grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Fathers wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, For he was my daughters son.

My wife is now my mothers mother And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife, Shes my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didnt think too much about it.

Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldnt help asking her ,Why the turkey and Santa?

She replied, Im tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.

The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red heads husband said to the other two men, I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldnt jump off.

The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off.

They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said: Dont look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.

He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of its cage. The man didnt want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.

Now heres the clincher… the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!

Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case… so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!

Only in America….

Courtesy of Dateline NBC…

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial…

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station … a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint
at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on
a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
Its easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range
of most people – whether they are employed or not.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, dont worry which wire to cut. You will
always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications
system of any invading alien society.
Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes
or welders.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to
you, right there and then.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on
nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.