Old and New Jokes

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want. The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, You have 356 sheep. The farmer exclaims, Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. Oh no, he says, you cant have that one. Why not? asks the blonde, you said I could have any sheep I wanted. And the farmer says, Maam, thats my dog.

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his teams woeful record:

We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

A livestock exhibition was held at a nearby stud farm. Farmers from neighboring provinces flocked to the station to see the blue ribbon animals. A couple came to witness the event. Standing before the stall of a champion bull, the wife asked the proud owner how many times a week did the bull perform his stud duties.

Oh, it depends, replied the owner.About four or five times on the average.

Did you hear that. she turned to her husband,mentally comparing the latters sexual performance. Four or five times per week!

And how many cows would be serviced by that bull? the husband asked the owner.

Oh, about four or five cows a week? was the reply.

Did you hear that? remarked the husband triumphantly.With a different cow each time!!!!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there aint nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

(I dont know where this joke comes from originally; I heard it from
my father, who says he heard it many years ago and doesnt remember
from whom.)

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the mans work, saying, May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, its like a completely different place–the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have
accomplished together!

Yes, reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and youre next.
And your point is …
I used to be schizophrenic, but were ok now.
Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name – youll be screaming it later.
Of course I dont look busy … I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
Im one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you wont go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. Im not.

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinoccios nose?

Tell a lie.

This is probably a true story

I ordered 2 Megs of RAM. They arrived on Friday.

On Monday, I had the following conversation with the people from whom I bought them.

Hello, this is MacCenter, how can I help you?

I ordered two Megs of RAM last week and I received them but Im having trouble getting them out of the package.

What seems to be the problem?

Theyre encased in a laser printer.

(silence)

Oh my goodness!

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.



The manager asks, What is it without touching it?



The blind man replies, Thats a good piece of fir.



Correct, says the manager, now try this one.



Thats a bad piece of willow, says the blind man.



Correct, answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.



Im confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?



The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.



The blind man says, Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the bathroom door off a tuna boat!