(I found this in rec.motorcycles, and thought you might like it.)
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.–Oscar Wilde
Starting monthly salary for US Marine…$984.60
One Bradley Fighting Vehicle…$3.16 million
Humanitarian aid for Iraq…$20 billion
Kickin back with the boys in Saddams Palace…priceless
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my fathers wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widows grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Fathers wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughters son.
My wife is now my mothers mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, Shes my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didnt think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldnt help asking her ,Why the turkey and Santa?
She replied, Im tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.
The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red heads husband said to the other two men, I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldnt jump off.
The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off.
They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said: Dont look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!
Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com
This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.
He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of its cage. The man didnt want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.
Now heres the clincher… the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!
Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case… so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!
Only in America….
Courtesy of Dateline NBC…
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial…
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station … a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint
at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on
a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
Its easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range
of most people – whether they are employed or not.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, dont worry which wire to cut. You will
always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications
system of any invading alien society.
Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes
or welders.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to
you, right there and then.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on
nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
When he says: Im going fishing.
It really means: Im going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety.
When he says: Lets take your car.
It really means: Mine is full of beer cans, burger
wrappers and completely out of gas.
When he says: Woman driver.
It really means: Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate,
swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.
When he says: I dont care what color you paint the kitchen.
It really means: As long
as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color besides white.
When he says: Its a guy thing.
It really means: There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical.
When he says: Can I help with dinner?
It really means: Why isnt it already on the table?
When he says: Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.
It really means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned
response.
When he says: It would take too long to explain.
It really means: I have no idea how it works.
When he says: Im getting more exercise lately.
It really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.
When he says: Good idea.
It really means: Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest
of the day gloating.
When he says: Have you lost weight?
It really means: Ive just spent our last $30 on a
cordless drill.
When he says: My wife doesnt understand me.
It really means: Shes heard all my
stories before, and is tired of them.
When he says: I got a lot done.
It really means: I found Waldo in almost every
picture.
When he says: Were going to be late.
It really means: Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac.
When he says: Hey, Ive read all the classics.
It really means: Ive been subscribing
to Playboy since 1972.
When he says: You cook just like my mother used to.
It really means: She used the
smoke detector as a meal timer, too.
When he says: I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind.
It really means: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.
When he says: Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.
It really means: I cant
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
When he says: Thats interesting, dear.
It really means: Are you still talking?
When he says: Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.
It really means: I forgot our anniversary again.
When he says: You expect too much of me.
It really means: You want me to stay awake.
When he says: Its a really good movie.
It really means: Its got guns, knives, fast
cars, and Heather Locklear.
When he says: Thats womens work.
It really means: Its difficult, dirty, and
thankless.
When he says: Will you marry me?
It really means: Both my roommates have moved out, I
cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.
When he says: Go ask your mother.
It really means: I am incapable of making a
decision.
When he says: You know how bad my memory is.
It really means: I remember the theme
song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday.
When he says: I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.
It really means:
The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
When he says: Football is a mans game.
It really means: Women are generally too smart
to play it.
When he says: Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.
It really means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.
When he says: I do help around the house.
It really means: I once put a dirty towel in
the laundry basket.
When he says: Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.
It really means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.
When he says: I cant find it.
It really means: It didnt fall into my outstretched
hands, so Im completely clueless.
When he says: What did I do this time?
It really means: What did you catch me at?
When he says: What do you mean, you need new clothes?
It really means: You just bought
new clothes 3 years ago.
When he says: Shes one of those rabid feminists.
It really means: She refused to make my coffee.
When he says: But I hate to go shopping.
It really means: Because I always wind up
outside the dressing room holding your purse.
When he says: No, I left plenty of gas in the car.
It really means: You may actually
get it to start.
When he says: Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.
It really means: I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.
When he says: I heard you.
It really means: I havent the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.
When he says: You know I could never love anyone else.
It really means: I am used to
the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
When he says: You look terrific.
It really means: Oh, God, please dont try on one
more outfit. Im starving.
When he says: I brought you a present.
It really means: It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.
When he says: I missed you.
It really means: I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.
When he says: Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.
It really means: No one will ever see us alive again.
When he says: We share the housework.
It really means: I make the messes, she cleans
them up.
When he says: This relationship is getting too serious.
It really means: I like you
more than my truck.
When he says: I recycle.
It really means: We could pay the rent with the money from my
empties.
When he says: Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.
It really means: Oh,
man, what have you done to yourself?
When he says: It sure snowed last night.
It really means: I suppose youre going to
nag me about shoveling the walk now.
When he says: Its good beer.
It really means: It was on sale.
When he says: I dont need to read the instructions.
It really means: I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help.
When he says: Ill fix the garbage disposal later.
It really means: If I wait long
enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.
When he says: I broke up with her.
It really means: She dumped me.
When he says: Ill take you to a fancy restaurant.
It really means: Someplace that
doesnt have a drive-thru window.