Sir is comfortably seated in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper. John has just brought in coffee, when a loud screech echoes through the room, followed shortly by a terrific thud.
Sir looks up. What was that dreadful noise?
John steps over to the window and carefully looks from behind the curtains.
Sir, a car just took a right turn.
John, no car in the world would make such noise just for taking a right turn!
Sir, indeed, but you see, there was no street to the right.
KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. At your service, comrade colonel.
Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog.
Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.
Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but Im affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired theyll make your heart dog-food.
Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.
The next moment Sgt. Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofievs office: Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report.
Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?
Comrade colonel, excuse me, but he said to go fuck yourself.
And this is for a bonus:
The Annual Bartenders Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better.
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?
ROOF-us
Once again, as a service to the readers of the Politics list,
I submitted the following as an article in the Virtual World
News (our very own Electronic Tabloid Paper, run by me.)
THE VIRTUAL WORLD NEWS
Dont read anything else.
We really mean it.
TV STAR TEARFULLY ADMITS, I WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD, FILES LAWSUIT
AGAINST HOLLYWOOD BIGWIGS FOR EXPLOITATION
The cushiony king of childrens public television says his life hasnt been
as soft as it may appear. Barney T. Dinosaur, in an emotional press conference
last week, admitted that his upbringing at the hooves of other dinosaurs
was a harrowing experience.
Nobody liked me, the star said, as he filed a formal lawsuit against
Steven Spielberg and various persons and institutions involved with
the making of the film Jurassic Park. The suit contends that Barney,
as the last surviving member of the species is entitled to be compensated for
the use of his family name (Barneys middle name, it appears, is
Tyrannosaurus–The is just a stage name) and history. For the hell
I went through as a little-saur, Barney said, I deserve every cent I can
get. Even the bracheosaurs used to beat up on me.
According to the megastar dinosaur, he was considered an outcast in the
rough-and-tumble prehistoric world because he was different. His voice
lost its usual enthusiasm as he remembered: They were big and mean and
tough. I was soft and weak–plush, even–and they hurt me for it. They
hated me. A strange, unfamiliar glint came into the stars eyes.
But I outlasted them all, anyway. I showed them.
Scientists on the Virtual World News permanent payroll claim that it was
Barneys differences that saved his hide, when all the other dinosaurs
disappeared. Though the cause of the extinction (now known to have been
only a near-extinction) remains a mystery, it is now believed that
giant space creatures may have descended in hunger–and eaten the
dinosaurs. Barney, however, was unpalatable, being entirely too sweet
for the extraterrestrial diners. In addition, having plush upholstery-type
hide, rather than the normal dino-hide made him appear to the Visitors
as somewhat similar to our gumdrops–which, of course, no one in their
right mind would eat.
The makers of Jurassic Park, including Spielberg himself, are contesting
Barneys claim to the name Tyrannosaurus. Dont be stupid,
Spielberg reportedly responded. I made up the name myself. Its all
made up. Its all fantasy. Besides, Barneys just a sick little guy
in a big purple suit. Ive seen him on the Paramount lot. Hes
no creature. Hes just creepy.
Other dinosaurs were extinct at press time, and unavailable for comment.
–Tabloid Kerry
Exclusive to the Virtual World News
What do you call an Ethiopian with big feet?
A golf club.
The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an asshole.
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?
A stick.
You can sleep with a light on.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no he replies.
Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him. she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. Im afraid I cant breathes the barman – clearly in trouble. Is there snything I can do?
Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.