You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

Caution: contains profanity

This horny gay man was walking down the street when he spotted a wino sleeping in an alley. The gay man looked around, went up the alley, quickly fucked the wino in the ass, and left $10 in the winos pocket.

Later that day, the wino found the $10 in his pocket and promptly went to the liquor store. Gimme a bottle of your cheapest wine, he told the shopkeeper. He got his bottle, went back to the alley, and drank the bottle of wine. Needless to say, he went to sleep.

Later on, the horny gay man comes walking down the street again and sees the wino sleeping in the alley. He looked around, went up the alley, quickly fucked the wino in the ass, and left $10 in the winos pocket.

When the wino woke up, he discovered the $10 in his pocket and, not believing his good luck, went to the liquor store where he got a bottle of the cheapest wine. He then went back to the alley and drank the entire bottle. Of course, he went to sleep again.

The next time the horny gay man comes by, he has a group of other horny gay men with him. They all went up the alley to where the wino slept and took turns fucking him in the ass. They all left him $10 a piece and, as quickly as they had come (hee, hee), they left.

The wino
woke up a bit later and discovered the money in his pocket and went to the liquor store.

The shopkeeper, now used to the winos tastes in wine, asked the wino: Whatll you have? The usual?

The wino replied: No. Give me a bottle of fine champagne. I dont know whats wrong, but that cheap wine was tearing my asshole apart!

Finish your lima beans or youre not getting any heroin for dessert!

If you dont stop that this instant, Ill have Grandma perform another striptease for you.

If this plexiglass wasnt between us, Id wash your mouth out with soap, young man.

Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!

Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis aint goin to the prom with ya!

Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy wont love you anymore.

Lyle, Erik — either behave, or go to your suites!

If you dont eat your peas, Chelsea, Ill make you stay at the Gingrichs house!

Dont make me put you back in the womb!

As long as you live under this roof, youre *going* to wear that dress, young man!

You just wait til your father gets paroled!

Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.

Young lady, dont make me send you to the Citadel!

and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families…

All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, Look mate, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! The passenger apologized and said, I didnt realize that a little tap would scare you so much. The driver replied, Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

He was charged with battery

The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!

JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.

Main features

Miracles
Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
users browser if the current browser does not support a certain
feature of the language.

Polymorphic constants
Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the OS
usually signals errors by non-zero return values, while normal
programming logic relies on non-zero values for success. Instead of
clumsy constructs like:

err = OpenFile(…);
if (err != 0) …

You can write

believe(0 != 0);
// the interpreter will take care of the complementary assignment,
// since you cant have everything equal to everything
if (OpenFile(…)) …

A powerful alert system
Some users just dont give a hoot about those angry alert-boxes that
you put up. JS provides unrivaled UI elements for coercing the user to
cooperate, going all the way from text alerts to fire and brimstone
showers.

var nTimes = 0;
function submitForm() {
if (! parseInt(document.form1.field1)) {
nTimes++;
if (nTimes < 3)
alert(Please enter a number);
else
strikeByLightning(k200Volts);
}
}

Error collection
This is a unique model of exception handling: rather than setting
handlers for individual errors, 1 in every 365 program cycles is
dedicated to collecting fatal errors and resetting shared resources.

Prayers
You can actively set preconditions via the prayer mechanism:

function average(inArray) {
var sum = 0;
for (i = 0; i < inArray.length; i++)
sum += inArray[i];

pray(inArray.length != 0);
return (sum / inArray.length); // will never fail for a righteous user
}

Data Blessing
JS allows you to bless variables. This is very different from Perls
blessing, and in a way takes more after Perls notion of data
tainting. Blessed variables are never equal to zero, never involved
in runtime errors and never participate in situations that trigger
alerts.

A mohel was in the unsual habit of saving the foreskins from the babies he circumcised. Everyone thought this was evidence enough that the old man was deranged. When they found out that he wasnt just saving them, but sewing them into miniature change-purses, they were ready to call for the men in white coats.

The mohel insisted, though, that he was in full possession of his faculties. Im just being practical, he said. Theyre the most useful change-purses in the world. Just watch! You rub one, and it turns into a suitcase!

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?

The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking round taking up a collection for him.

Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

So far only about three hundred gallons but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning.

Socialism: You have two cows, you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both and keeps the milk.
Naziism: You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.
Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
Histadrut [General Federation of Labour] Rule: You have two cows, they take both, shoot one, milk the other, and spill the milk.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, Where did you get that? The pig says, I won her in a raffle!