What is the average number of times in a bachelors life that his bed is made?

Once, when it was still in the factory.

[Not good reading, but good for a group]

An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, Was I getting into the
tub or getting out? She calls out, Bernice! Was I getting
into the bathtub or getting out?

Bernice says, Well I dont know. Ill have to come up and look.
Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
up and thinks to herself, Was I going up the stairs or down? She
calls out Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?

Sally, down in the living room calls back, How should I know? and
thinks to herself, Im glad Im not losing my mind like the other people
in this house.

So Sally starts…

Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair in places that Ive never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her. A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

On my balls!

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: No use knockin mate, theres no paper in this one either.

Lighting up in a smoke-free cave
On enlightening journey to Mecca, suggesting you go see K-Pax
Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick
Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank
Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard
After President Bush speech, remarking, You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane
Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible
Parking your camel in the Supreme Leaders space
Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, Earl
Mailing Anthrax without proper postage

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

A friend of mine had a liver transplant over in a Pittsburgh hospital. The day after the hospital the surgeon came in for a visit.

How does your side feel, the surgeon asked.

My side feels pretty good, but my throat really hurts.

Let me see the dressing on your side, the surgeon said.

But Doc, my throat. Whats wrong with it? asked my friend.

Well, I might as well tell you. said the surgeon. Yours was a special operation watched by many students in a big amphitheater. The two hour operation went perfectly. The students were so impressed they all stood up and applauded. The applause went on so long, I decided to take out your tonsils for an encore.

An American paratrooper jumped out of a plain. But his parachute did not open. Falling to the ground he saw a black dot moving towards him. He didnt know what it was, until he recognized a man.

Hello he shouted Im Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?

Nice to meet you the man replied Im Sjefke (Belgian). But sorry, I dont know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens?

He always gets nailed to the boards

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After theyve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if shes seen any cops."Yes," says the blonde."Are their lights on?" The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says, I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball… on two conditions!

Anything, says Cinderella, anything!

Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin, says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderellas still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderellas appearence… no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies, Peter, Peter something or other?