Old and New Jokes

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. I think this one will really move said the broker, its only $1 a share.



Buy me 1000 shares. said the client.



The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, You were right, give me 5000 more shares.



The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.



The client ran to the phone and called the broker, Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.



Great! said the broker.



The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.



Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, Sell all my shares!



The broker said, To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.

I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.

Bubba and Jed took parachuting lessons, and were arguing
about who was best at folding a parachute.

Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they
decided to go up in a plane and judge by the midair
performance of their parachutes.

Bubba jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating
down towards the earth.

Then Jed jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he
pulled his safety cord- nothing. In a matter of seconds
he whizzed past Bubba, plummeting like a stone.

Oh, shouted the Jed, yanking off his harness, so ya
wanna race, do ya?!

George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Osama are on an airplane.
Washington takes a quarter, drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
Lincoln takes out a penny and drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
Osama takes a bomb and drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
They land and Washington sees a girl crying and he asks her why. She tells him that she was hit in the head with a quarter and then Washington apologizes.
Then Lincoln sees a boy crying and asks him why. He says that he was hit on the head with a penny and Lincoln apologizes.
Then Osama sees a boy cracking up and he asks him why. The boy replies, Daddy farted and then the house blew up!

The report that important decisions in the White House were
based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results
could undermine faith in astrology.

Letter to the Editor
New York Times
15 May 1988

Some of the things school kids write when they run out of steam while having to go for pass marks during exams make good reading, albeit perhaps painful for the language sticklers. Following are a few quoted truths from teacher Richard Lederers book More Anguished English:

Migration is a headache birds get when they fly south during winter

the Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Mongrels

the Seventh Commandment was Thou shalt not admit adultery

in Christianity a man can have only one wife. This is called monotony.

I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery

A Womans Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.

10. EEEEEKKK!!!!!!9. Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin…8. The GOOD news is… you have termites.7. Do you happen to have a large net?6. You know, Im also a taxidermist.5. Maam, Im afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me.4. FIRE IN THE HOLE!3. Hi, Im Willie Nelson and Ill be your exterminator today.2. Bend over. Your wife, too.1. Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!

Three factory workers were needling a shy co-worker who just returned from his honeymoon.

They each bragged about how many times theyd had sex on their honeymoon.

One said five times, another said seven and a real mach jock claimed hed done it ten times. Punching the shy guy in the chest, he demanded to know how many times he did it.

Blushing and hesitant he answered, We only did it once. My wife wasnt used to it.

choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
the sales people at the local computer store cant answer any of your questions.
you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
you can type 70 words per minute but cant read your own handwriting.
you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
you know what http:// stands for.
you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids toys together.
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you window shop at Radio Shack.
your laptop computer costs more than your car.
your wife hasnt the foggiest idea what you do at work.
youve already calculated how much you make per second.
youve tried to repair a $5 radio.