Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300ºC. The Russians used a pencil.

From rough draft of my Top Stories of 1994 Article:

The Chunnel, a $13.3 billion underwater tunnel between England and France, opens for business. Inexplicably, passengers arrive in Paris, but their luggage winds up in the luggage carousel at the new Denver International Airport.
Paula Corbin Jones accuses President Clinton of directing state troopers to lure her into an Arkansas hotel room where he lewdly dropped his trousers and said its clear you want me, cupid. Clinton admits to being in the hotel room, but claims all he said was its the economy, stupid.
Fighting sexual harassment charges, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood refuses to hand over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee. He partially capitulates, agreeing to surrender seventeen boxed and indexed sets of his Letters to Penthouse.
Francisco Martin Duran fires 20-30 shots at White House. Fortunately, President Clinton is upstairs watching a football game. Unfortunately, Secret Service agents are downstairs watching some of Justice Clarence Thomas porno tapes, and In The Line of Fire for the millionth time.
Scientists at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago report finding the top quark – the sixth and last category of the smallest unit of matter. The celebration lasts until dawn when the drunken mob of pocket-protected Ph.Ds makes a panty raid at the home of Marilyn Vos Savant.
Saudi Arabian Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud rescues Euro-Disney with $439 million in new capital. The amusement park is immediately renamed Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud Land.
Pope John Paul II releases On Reserving Priestly Ordination to Men Alone. Catholic men everywhere get a taste of celibacy for a few angry weeks.
The FDA approves additional genetically enhanced vegetables: 3 tomatoes, 1 squash, 1 potato, and an improved variant of Strom Thurmond.
A federal court forces The Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner, its first female cadet. Claiming she is only being treated equally, administrators insist she shave her head, wear a jock strap, and put up Kathy Ireland posters.
The Tennessee Health Department confirms its original 1977 Coroners Report which found that Elvis died of heart disease, not a drug overdose. In a press conference at an Iowa Burger King, Elvis announces that he feels vindicated.
A Randolph County, Alabama high school principal cancels the prom over opposition to interracial dating. He receives substantial support from many small-town Alabamans who not only date in their own race, but in their own immediate family.
Womens rights groups are irate upon learning that landmark breast cancer research was performed exclusively on male subjects. Later, activists admit that Fabio does have fairly typical breasts, though a much smaller brain.

A guy goes to the pet store and asks for a cheap pet that he can take anywhere. The store owner tells him he happened to be lucky, because he had a talking centipede he could sell him for a good price. The guy buys the centipede and names him Frank.That night, the guy decides to go to the bar and wants to take Frank with him. Frank! You wanna go to the bar? No response. Frank! You wanna go to the bar? Still, nothing. One last time he tries; Frank, Im leaving without you! Then he hears a tiny voice, Just a damn minute, Im putting my shoes on!

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance.

It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms.

As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldnt deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can be. Have another beer!

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, Why are you throwing those nails away?

The first blonde explained, If I pull a nail out of my pouch and its pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away cause its defective. If its pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you arent defective! Theyre for the OTHER side of the house!!!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a

young engineer fresh out of MIT, What starting salary were you looking

for?

The engineer replied, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending

on the benefits package.

The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks

vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching

retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years

— say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied, Well Yeah, but you started it.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell
Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help
us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt.
_Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name ______________
Initial__________________
Last Name________________

Latitude_________________
Longitude________________

Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________

2. Which model aircraft did you
purchase?

__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon
__F-119A Stealth __Classified

3. Date of purchase:
Month_____Day_____
Year______________

4. Serial Number______

5. Please check where this
product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Hijacked it using one of our spies
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware
of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one7. Please check the three (3) factors
which most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one
in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where
this product will be used:

_Latin America
_South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. How would you describe yourself or
your

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

This is Chet, he said, and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs. Seeing the look of disbelief on the customers face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

He needs warming up, he said. Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chets left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

Thats fantastic, said the customer.

And listen to this, said the storekeeper, warming Chets other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

Wrap him up, said the customer, Ill take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife: Honey, I cant wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chets cage and showed the bird to his wife. Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chets left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chets right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

Let me try it, said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

Chets nuts roasting on an open fire!

A black and blue belt