Old and New Jokes

Element: Man

Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)

Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some
isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.

Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day
when she had a craving for ribs)

Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo,
often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties

Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with
Wo.
Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive
to
extremely thick.
Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties

All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
is possible.
May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
violent/bloody.
When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
the
malodorous variety.
Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Uses

Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable
reaction style.
Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo…
Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests

Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast
information on many wavelengths.

Caution

Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes
with reaction to a particular Wo specimen.
Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

Two old timers were reminiscing about their Depression days.

Things got so bad,, said one geezer, that even the prostitutes got laid off!

16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Baileys 900 number on your bill.14> He actually *does* have your tongue.13> You find a stash of Feline of Fortune magazines behind the couch.12> Cyanide paw prints all over the house.11> You wake up to find a birds head in your bed.10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas,you get a faint whiff of Catnip9> Droppings in litter box spell out REDRUM.8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?7> Takes attentive notes every time Itchy and Scratchy are on.6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangmans noose.2> You find a piece of paper labeled MY WIL which says LEEV AWL 2 KAT.and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You…1> Now sharpens claws on your cars brake lines.

Theres no Donny & Arie Chanukah Special.
Eight days of presents (in theory anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives does not sing Chanukah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I Had a Little Driedl.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.
Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes!

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that? The store clerk responds, Its a thermos. The blond then asks, What does it do? The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object? She replies Its a thermos. He asks, What does it do? She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. He then asks, What do you have in there? Two cups of coffee and a scoop of ice cream.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of
oranges.

Can I help you madam? asks the shopkeeper.

Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been
treated with any poisonous fertilizer or weedkiller? she replies.

No madam, youll have to get that from the chemists.

What is the average number of times in a bachelors life that his bed is made?

Once, when it was still in the factory.

[Not good reading, but good for a group]

An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, Was I getting into the
tub or getting out? She calls out, Bernice! Was I getting
into the bathtub or getting out?

Bernice says, Well I dont know. Ill have to come up and look.
Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
up and thinks to herself, Was I going up the stairs or down? She
calls out Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?

Sally, down in the living room calls back, How should I know? and
thinks to herself, Im glad Im not losing my mind like the other people
in this house.

So Sally starts…

Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair in places that Ive never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her. A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

On my balls!