Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both ahave irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both mark their territory.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, What is that?

The store clerk responds, Its a thermos.

The blond then asks, What does it do?

The clerk says It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, What is that shiny object?

She replies Its a thermos.

He asks, What does it do?

She says, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.

He then asks, What do you have in there?

Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.

Passed on by a friend at work, origin unknown (but probably caused by a quantum fluctuation)

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the Uncertainty Principle, It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbors Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a Gluing Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, theConsumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are Rolled Up into Such a Small Area That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

There were 3 roosters, a gay one, a retarted one, and a normal one. The normal one said cock a doodle doo The retarted one said doodle doodle cock. And the gay one said any cock will do!!!

A group of blondes walks into a bar, all excited and giggling. They order a round of drinks.

One of the blondes raises her glass and shouts excitedly, 51!! 51!! The other blondes echo. After they have finished their drinks, another round is ordered. Again, the blondes toast 51. This happens a few times.

Finally, the bartender speaks up. Excuse me, He says, But why do you ladies keep doing that? Well, Says one of the blondes, very bubbly, We got a puzzle, right? And it said 2-4 years on the box. We finished it in 51 days!!!!!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what theyd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.Its a period, said the little boy.Well, I can see that, she said, but what is so exciting about a period?Damned if I know, said the little boy, but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

What kind of house weighs the least?

A lighthouse.

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research. How much is this one? he asked. Well that one is a monkey brain and its $20, he explained. How much is that one? he asked Well that one is a female brain and its $100. he explained.And how much is that one? he asked. That one is a males brain and it is $500 he explained. Why so expensive? the alien asked. Well it has hardly been used!

Did you know that last months (expletive) phone bill is over $450? my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. Thats more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer! she continued as she escalated to screaming.

I confess! I confess! I sobbed. Im just an on-line junkie. Im addicted to my modem! I guess Ill just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our societys computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon theres even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, All My Modems.

If you dont already own one of those evil instruments called a modem, take warning! Dont even think about buying one. Modem fever sets in very quietly; it sneaks up on you and then grabs you by the wallet, checkbook or, heaven forbid, credit cards.

Once you own a modem, you enter the insidious addictive trap by dialing up a friend who also has a modem. For some strange reason, typing messages to each other fascinates you. (Even if it is less than 10%of the speed that you can speak the same words over a normal voice phone link. )Of course, you make several attempts at hooking up before you finally figure out that at least one of you must be in the half-duplex mode; that discovery actually titillates you (sounds impossible, but its true).

Then your modem-buddy (friend is too good a term) sows another seed on the road to on-line addiction by giving you the number of a local RBBS (Remote Bulletin Board Service). Once you get an RBBS phone number, youve taken the first fatal step in a journey that can only end in on-line addiction.

After you take the next step by dialing up the RBBS your modem-buddy told you about, you find that its very easy to log-on. This weird form of conversation with an unattended computer is strangely exciting, much more so than just typing messages when youre on-line with your modem-buddy. The initial bulletins scroll by and inform you about the board, but youre too up to comprehend most of it. Then you read some of the messages in the message section and maybe, in a tentative manner, you enter one or two of your own.

Thats fun, but the excitement starts to wear off; youre calming down. Thinking that it might be worthwhile to go back and re-read the log-on bulletins, you return to the main RBBS menu.

Then it happens. The RBBS provides the bait that entices you all the way into the fiery hell of modem addiction. As you look at the RBBS main menu to learn how to return to the log-on bulletins, you find an item called FILES. By asking your host computer for FILES, you thread the bait onto the hook of corruption; the FILES SUBMENU sets the hook. You start running with the line when you LIST the files; you leap into the air with the sheer joy of the fight when all those public domain program title sand descriptions scroll by. Theyre FREE!!! All you have to do is tell the bulletin board to download (transmit) them to you. You download your first program and youre landed, in the creel, cleaned and ready for the cooking fires. In just 55 minutes after you logged-onto the board, youve downloaded six programs, one of them is Andrew Fleugelmans PC-Talk, version 3 (truly an instrument for evil).

BBS-LIST. DQC, which is also among the files you downloaded, contains a list of a great number of bulletin boards throughout the country. (Theres evil all around us, constantly tempting us!) You print the list and find about 60 RBBS phone numbers. (Have mercy on our souls!) The list also gives you the hours of operation, communications parameters and informs you about each boards specialty. You decide to try PC-Talk and use it to dial-up an RBBS about three states away. Since the line is busy, you pass the time entering all those RBBS phone numbers into PC-Talks voluminous dialing directory.

You try the number again — still busy. You think, Hey, theres one that specializes in Pascal programs. Maybe Ill try it. Its about half-way across the country, but its after 5pm and the phone rates have changed. It wont be too expensive.

The Pascal board answers. After 45 minutes youve downloaded another five programs. Then you call another board –only this ones completely across the country from California, in Florida. And so it goes on into the night . . . and the next night. . . and the next. . . . Some days it gets to you. You begin to feel the dirtiness of modem addiction, particularly when your wife makes you feel like a child by berating you for those astronomical phone bills — if she hasnt divorced you by then. Every time you sit down before your PC to do some work, you dial up another RBBS instead. If that ones busy, you call another, and another, until you connect. Then you feel OK, almost high. When you finally hang up, you still cant work; you can only dial up another RBBS.

Your downfall as an on-line addict is just another one of this societys terrible tragedies, such as polygamy or the compulsion to circle all the numbers on computer magazine bingo cards. Eventually your whole social life relies upon only the messages you find on electronic bulletin boards; your only happiness is the programs you have downloaded. (You never try any of them, you only collect them. )Hope exists, however. We, the dedicated but under-paid staff of Modems Anonymous, have done extensive research to find a cure for modem mania, which has been ruining hundreds of lives. And we have succeeded in our quest.

The cure is really quite simple, yet effective: Set up your own remote bulletin board service. Then all the other modem addicts will phone you, and their wives can nag at them about $450 phone bills, and you can find peace — at last.