Old and New Jokes

It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.

Sterility is hereditary.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone elses fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so!

False hope is better than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute… Ill find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like Im giving as much as Im getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, hes a mile away and barefoot.

New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Heres a list of variations of the God Speaks billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
_______________________Tell the kids I love them.
-God Lets meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-GodCmon over and bring the kids.
-GodWhat part of Thou Shalt Not… didnt you understand?
-GodWe need to talk.
-GodKeep using my name in vain,
Ill make rush hour longer.
-GodLoved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God
That Love Thy Neighbor thing…
I meant it.
-GodI love you and you and you and you and…
-GodWill the road youre on get you to my place?
-GodFollow me.
-GodMy way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think its hot here?
-GodHave you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-GodDo you have any idea where youre going?
-GodDont make me come down there.
-God

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works — with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it.
At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.
A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows. At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary.
In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

Thanx to William Conway.

Theres a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was…

Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing….

Manolo y Venancio están pescando, con una lancha rentada, en un lago. En cierto momento Manolo comenta:

Venancio, ¿ya viste cuántos peces tenemos?

Sí, hombre, tenemos que volver mañana a este mismo lugar.

Pero, ¿cómo le hacemos para ubicarlo de nuevo?

No te preocupes, Manolo, he puesto una X al lado de la lancha.

No seas tonto, Venancio, ¿qué tal si mañana no nos dan la misma lancha?

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.

The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.



The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.



She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you.



Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.



She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.



She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph.



She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want?

The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here.



She asks, Whats that?



The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph…

Ive got the airbag!

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.