Sale la pareja de recién casados del salón de celebraciones y al ir a montar al coche todos empiezan a gritar:
¡Arriba la novia! ¡Arriba el novio!
Un invitado que no entendÃa que se trataba de gritos de júbilo, replicó:
¡Dejad a ellos que lo hagan como mejor les plazca!
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. Whats your secret for a long happy life?
I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!
Thats amazing, the woman said. How old are you?
He thought for a moment, and replied, Twenty-six.
30 Nasty Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, its cute.
3. Why dont we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. Its OK, well work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, itll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this wont take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. Its a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird!!!
Rosh Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.
Max said, I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00
So Abie goes over to Moishes and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.
He storms at Mr Jones. I thought you met Moishes prices?
I did, said Mr Jones, $4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!
Because they irritate the crap out of you!
It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.
As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.
The second said what if someone should come?
The first said well lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.
The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back It is the blind man.
The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man cant see anything and let him in, at which time the man says Nice tits sisters, where do you want these blinds?
Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?
A: The Wheelchair!
Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:
Men cant pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men dont answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly.
Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!
You can get chocolate any time you want.
If you love me youll swallow that has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wont mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate (even in public), without being called nasty names.
The word commitment doesnt scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
With chocolate size doesnt matter.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.