How to Go Insane At School
1. Change majors at least twice.
2. Live in a non-coed dorm for two (+) years.
3. Get infatuated with women who have little or no emotional warmth.
4. Drink heavily.
5. Change .plan weekly.
6. Take both ME and EE classes.
7. Time manage sponteneity.
8. Set record time on academic probation.
9. Solve PI to the last decimal place and/or
10. Predict female behavior.
11. Perform mind meld on chimp or humanities student.
12. Get a summer job normally reserved for recently paroled prisoners.
13. Look for a good party on Sunday night.
14. Analyze and worry about everything. (except what is important)
16. Constantly remind yourself that humour and a charming personality is better than money or looks. (yeah, right…)
17. Try real hard to be funny. (people look at you strangely anyway)
18. Do anything with a perfectionist.
19. Be as weird as possible. (I guess it comes naturally.)..
20. Send computer mail to uninterested parties…
21. Become so bored as to read textbooks in advance.
22. Procrastinate…
23. Have lots of attractive friends of the opposite sex that are seriously involved with someone else.
24. Continue being nice to people who could really care less…
25. Continue being mean to people who could really care less…
26. Assume that everyone tells the truth.
27. Listen to everyone elses advice.
28. Be a witness to every dysfunctional relationship to have ever existed.
29. Come up with a new .plan.
30. Withhold from screaming when you hear the phrase lets just be friends…
31. Ask a Jehovahs Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?
32. Listen to anything by Phillip Glass. (Youd swear the record was stuck…)
33. Try to believe that the new comics can compete with Art Gallery.
34. Try to calm down a type-A personality.
35. Think about the future… Graduation!!! Finally? Do I HAVE to leave?
36. Buy a personals paper and count the errors.
37. Believe Its better to burn out, rust never sleeps…
38. Count the minimum number of credits left to graduate.
39. Anticipate what youll REALLY be doing after graduation. (serious begging)
40. Convince someone (or yourself) that you enjoy engineering.
41. Start seeing marriage as an option.
42. Find a hobby, but never have enough time to make it enjoyable.
43. Dont burn your bridges…blow them to Hell.
44. Find apathy a desirable quality in a lover.
45. Make maximum effort for minimum results.
46. Live a day riding shotgun. (eg. youve just started whats due today…)
47. Alternate between completely opposite behaviors. (eg. Act different for different people.)
48. Second guess what people are REALLY trying to say.
49. Apologize for guessing wrong.
50. Abandon common sense in the name of fun.
51. Try to find someone with the answers.
52. Explain something you dont understand. (great for presentations)
53. Look for lost time.
54. Live with a sociopath.
55. Vomit so often from drinking that it hardly bothers you anymore.
56. Stay awake in your most boring class.
57. Pass up offers from attractive women to go out drinking because you have to study, then blow off studying anyway and sit at home alone.
58. Guess what your grades will be every week.
59. Figure out what youll need to get your grad index to a decent level.
60. Explain to someone what you enjoy and why.
61. Make fun of religion (realizing that youre damned)
62. Try to figure out why everyone you meet of the opposite sex either
A. doesnt interest you
B. you dont interest them
C. already has a love interest
D. is everyone elses love interest
E. all of the above.
63. Try to imagine what life would be like eithout bureacracy.
64. Conform.
65. Go to a video rental place with 2 or more friends. (…Ive SEEN that!!!)
66. Find out what parties are going on when you have homework backed up.
67. Make a Time Management card, then TRY to stick to it. (Ill sleep next week.)
68. Find some goals. (Ill stop procrastinating next week.)
69. Deny any bizzare sexual conquest. (There is always SOMEONE who knows…)
70. Discern differences in Homecoming/Grad Prix candidates.
71. Talk to a racist without getting angry or punching him out.
72. Have a crush on someone at least 1000 miles away.
73. Become a love hostage. (definition available).
74. Have low self-esteem wars.
75. Make up nick-names for everyone.
76. Chase someone without moving. (metaphoric statement)
77. Get a decent Halloween costume that hasnt been done a million times.
78. Make fun of Greeks, but try to go to their parties.
79. Figure out what makes you happy and avoid it.
80. Get to the point where nobody gives you advice anymore. (What am I going to do with you?; I dont know what to tell you.)
81. Try to have a rational conversation with someone whos in love.
82. Figure out how they could have made Batman better.
83. Live in fear of jealous (ex-) boyfriends of your female friends.
84. Having everything due (projects, tests, etc.) after a big party weekend.
85. Use your failing test scores as lottery numbers.
86. Compute what you HAVE to get on your finals to pass.
87. Flirt with soon-to-be-married friends.
88. Come up with gross nicknames for sororities: e.g. Smegma Kappa
89. Prove that Fraternity Man (does not)= Drunken Rapist.
90. Count your blessings and subtract them from your damnations.
91. Keep track of the soap opera of changing relationships.
92. Ask yourself Where the hell am I and how did I get HERE?
93. Keep making the same mistakes.
94. Spend at least a half hour a day looking for something in the house.
95. Avoid soon-to-be-divorced friends. (see #87)
96. Try to be taken seriously.
97. Make a good second impression. (given that youve blown the first)
98. Listen to your mother list eligible women (her friends daughters) and try to keep your stomach from turning.
99. Correct your answers on old finals.
100. Mire in self-pity about your dismal future.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Juan!
Juan who!
Juan of these days, pow, right in the kisser!
Un hombre de 99 años le presume a otro que él lo puede hacer sin necesidad de tomar Viagra, porque su doctor le suministró una terapia muy efectiva.
El otro, envidioso, va con su médico y le exige que le aplique una terapia igual de efectiva.
La terapia es muy sencilla: solamente diga lo mismo que dice su amigo, le informa el galeno.
Dos locos son sometidos a unas pruebas para comprobar si ya están en condiciones de salir del manicomio.
A ver, Eustasio, ¿seis por seis?
Febrero.
¡De puta madre, anda, vuelve al manicomio! A ver, Herminio, ¿seis por seis?
Mil.
¡Otro igual, anda vuélvete! A ver, Jerónimo, ¿seis por seis?
Treinta y seis.
¡Hostia! ¿Cómo llegaste a esa conclusión?
Muy fácil, he multiplicado febrero por mil.
Ducharmes Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
A goose with a gush.
Two cowboys came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an indian on
the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw
the cowboys he said, Three men, large wagon, four horses. One of the
cowboys asked in amazement, You can tell all that just by listening to the
ground?
No, said the indian, They ran over me…..
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: “Parking for drive-through customers only!”
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?
Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner
of the family, so lets call me Capitalism. Your Mom, shes the
administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to
take care of your needs, so well call you the People. The nanny, well
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.
The father says, Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.
The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in Deep Shit.