Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.
Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check ?
Most of the natives in Baltimore arent very friendly. In fact, if it werent for muggings, thered be almost no personal contact.
Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, thats for their own safety & protection.
Theres a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
Chivalry isnt dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next.
In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life – most run however.
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.
Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.
He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.
And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.
-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?
He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.
His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?
Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky …
A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:
Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women.
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
Priest: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. Ill sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…
Sister: Father, Im terribly cold. Priest: Okay, Ill get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later…
Sister: Father, Im still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, Ill get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later…
Sister: Father, Im still terribly cold. I dont think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: Youre probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket!
Why is Star Trek the same as Toilet paper? Because they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons
At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Kudzu is green, my dogs name is Blue And Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blues and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You aint got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
Youre as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when were in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, Im in hawg heaven, Im plumb outta my wits.
And speakin of wits, youve got plenty fer shore. Cuz you married me back in 74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man, To patch up lifes troubles and stick em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler racin through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yore as cute as a junebug a-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant upon which I oft tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.
And when you get old like a 57 Chevy, Wont put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me n yous like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; Its romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.
Thats impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
Diamonds are forever, they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, its a new trollin motor.
Llegaron dos chicas de la costa a la ciudad en busca de trabajo. A la hora de una entrevista, el jefe les pregunta:
¿Qué hacÃan ustedes en la costa?
Una de ellas contesta:
En la costa servÃamos papitas.
Entonces, el jefe les dice:
Bueno, están contratadas, pero ahora van a servir paputas.
She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!