A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didnt dance a single step! So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot?
29
Jun
29
Jun
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Dont you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?""Nope, sure aint," said the man.Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
29
Jun
Q: Whats a brunettes mating call?
A1: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: All the blondes have gone home!
29
Jun
A
driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: Id give it to you but I dont have one.
Officer: Dont have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.
Man: I cant do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: Shes in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your
car please.
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an
empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving licence.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and
hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet
and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told
me you didnt have a licence, stole this car, raped
and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.
29
Jun
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
29
Jun
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
Whats it about? he asked.
I dont know, she replied. I cant read.
28
Jun
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, Gosh, Id really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.
28
Jun
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting
to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.
Do you have anything you want to say? asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
No, replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened.
Under this particular States law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
Do you have anything you want to say?
No, just get on with it.
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
Do you have anything you want to say? asked the executioner.
Yes, replied the engineer. If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work.
28
Jun
A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.
Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.
She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.
Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.
She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!
Yes? she responded.
Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.
No, not anymore, she answered.
Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?
28
Jun
Yo mama so fat that every time she goes to McDonalds they have to change the sign.