Old and New Jokes

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school
that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an
essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding
that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge
named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge
and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named
for Harvard.

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentines day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.

A
Minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following

results: The first worm in alcohol — dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.

Third worm in sperm — dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation — "What
can you learn from
this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said; "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you wont
have worms."

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,…But theyll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it…In the name of the Father, The Son…Amen

The priest said,What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied, Its outside taking care of my bike!

1. Call.
2. Dont lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules No Petting.
6. The correct answer to Do I look fat? is never, ever Yes.
7. Ditto for Is she prettier than me?
8. Victorias Secret is good. Fredericks of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. Honey, Darling, and Sweetheart are good. Nag, Lardass, and Bitch are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isnt an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering Who was that on the phone? with Nobody is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for Whose lipstick is this?
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, youre probably not more attractive when youre drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. Youre wrong.
26. Youre sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. Will you marry me? is good. Lets shack up together is bad.
31. Dont assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Dont assume PMS doesnt exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice ( Primo … and thats NOT PMS 🙂 )
34. But, we kiss… is not justification for using her toothbrush. You dont clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Dont whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Dont act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Dont tell her you love her if you dont.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentines Day, and any cheesy anniversary she so-names.
45. Dont try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Dont let your friends pick on her.
48. Call… and call again.
49. Dont lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isnt fair either, and it balances everything else out.

Caught napping at work, school, or church…try this one.

Guaranteed to work!

Just pick your head up real fast and say:

…in JESUS name…AMEN!

(he-he…how can they yell at you for this 🙂

ADDENDUM: For some reason, it wont work in a Synagogue?

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

This is true story from the newspaper The Cape Times (South Africa):

For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.



There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths…



It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patients life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.



We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed. (Cape Times)



The headline of the newspaper story was, Cleaner Polishes Off Patients

You Ought to be in Pictures: More than 50 people responded to an
invitation to a casting call for a Robert DeNiro movie being shot in
Boston. The only problem was, the invitations were sent by police. To
people with outstanding arrest warrants. One woman complained she
took a day off from work to meet DeNiro. She was led away in
handcuffs instead. Its so nice to scam people who are scammers,
one detective said. The casting call, sent to 3,800 fugitives,
offered more than $200 for two hours of work as extras, plus the
chance of becoming famous. (UPI)

Fast food makes you sick quick.