Old and New Jokes

(heard at happy hour last night, not original)

Q: Did you hear that theyve finally found 12 people whove never heard
of OJ Simpson to be on the jury?

A: Oh yeah, his professors at USC.

What do you call a dead athiest?

All dressed up and no place to go!

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :

a) Surface usually covered with painted film.

b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

c) Melts if given special treatment.

d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :

a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.

b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.

e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :

a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

d) Can cool things down when its too hot.

Tests :

a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.

b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult – for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using s instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard c could be replaced by k sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome ph would henseforth be written f. This would make words like fotograf twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing th by z. Perhaps zen ze funktion of w kould be taken on by v, vitsh is, after al, half a w. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary o kould be dropd from words kontaining ou. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the mans balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

Hows your sex life? the doctor asked.

Pretty good, the man said, to the doctors relief. But then he added, Ive had some strange side effects.

Whats that? the doctor asked anxiously.

Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.

So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you. She calls Tony Blair in and asks, Tony, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?



Tony Blair replies, Its me!



So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, Dick, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?



And Cheney says, Wow, thats a tough one. Let me get back to you.



So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, Colin, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it? And Colin Powell says, Its me!



So Cheney calls Bush and says, Its Colin Powell.



And Bush says, No, you idiot! Its Tony Blair!

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.

She asked Ole his occupation. Diesel fitter, he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained: When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.

Skill!…What skill? yelled Sven.

I sew the elastic on…

He pulls on it and says,…..Yep, diesel fitter.

Heres a very old joke we like to tell in England i hope you like it:

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Why the long face?

Woman golfer lines up on the first tee. Slices it badly and she hears a guy wailing pitifully off by the side of the tee and when she looks at him in horror hes doubled over with his hands tightly clenched together over his crotch.

She dashes over, apologizing profusely. Im so sorry, she says, its OK, Im a nurse. I know what to do.

She gently undoes the mans fly (who converts his wailing to a whimper) and begins to stroke his todger.

There, there. she says, Does that feel better?

The guys eyes are still watering but he says, Sure, but shit… my thumbs still killing me!