there were 3 guys that went sky diving. one dropped a pebbleand jumped.the second dropped a rock. and the third dropped a grenade. when the first guy landed he was a little kid crying so he asked hey kid why are you crying and the kid replied I just got nailed by some moron that threw a pebble at me. when the second guy landed he saw a man with a big bump on his head so he asked how did you get that big bump on your head? and the man replied some moron threw a rock at me. when the third guy landed he saw this little kid laughing so hard his face turned red. so he aske hey kid whats so funny? and the little kid repliesmy daddy farted and the house blew up.

The doctor told me Physical exercise is good for you.
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape,
so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:

Beat around the bush.

Jump to conclusions.

Climb the walls.

Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:

Drag my heels.

Push my luck.

Make mountains out of mole hills.

Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:

Bend over backwards.

Jump on the band wagon.

Balance the books.

Run around in circles.

Thursday:

Toot my own horn.

Climb the ladder of success.

Pull out the stops.

Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:

Open a can of worms.

Put my foot in my mouth.

Start the ball rolling.

Go over the edge.

Saturday:

Pick up the pieces.

Whew! What a workout!

Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble with the law for underage drinking, the President has lectured them constantly about the evils of alcohol. His daughters were tired of having the same conversation week after week, so they finally said, "Okay daddy, we understand about drinking already, but youve never talked about to us about sex." Getting very upset, W. chided the twins: "Young ladies, we do not use that dirty four-letter word in our home!"

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of youMen are like Bananas.
The older they Get, the less firm they are.Men are like Vacations
They never seem to be long enough.Men are like Bank Machines
Once they withdraw they lose interest.Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.Men are like Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up
all night long.Men are like Commercials.
You cant believe a word they say.Men are like Department Stores.
Their clothes are always half off.Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

12 Tips From Workforce to Managers



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.





2.If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps.





3.Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.





4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.





5. If you give me more that one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.





6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.





7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.





8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.





9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.





10.Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.





11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life.





12. Tell me all your little problems. None of us have any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water with whiskey?

A: The Holy Spirit.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!

Your dog cant watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead, and ones a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!…Aim!! …



Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.



The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!!…



Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.



By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!! …



…and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!