If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as youre walking by the annoying someone.
Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.
It will eventually drive them slightly insane!
The punchline is: And then the president said, But thats not *my* duck!
What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!
A chap had a very painful elbow. He went to see his own
doctor, who told him to rest it: no treatment was required, it
was just tennis elbow.
Rather dissatisfied, he decided to go to a new computer-based
medical service that had just opened up. He went inside the
building and found the terminal, but there were no people in
sight. The instructions told him to slide his credit card
through the slot, and that $150 would be debited. When he had
done this, he was asked screen after screen of questions about
himself, until eventually a specimen bottle appeared. The
instructions on the screen said, Produce urine specimen and
pour into slot on left, so he did. A few seconds later, the
screen read:
Diagnosis: Tennis elbow
Treatment: Rest
Well, he wasnt happy. $150 wasted just to be told the same
thing again. He thinks, Im going to confuse the hell out of
that smug machine. He went home, took a bottle and put a
scooped-up turd from his dog, some of his daughters urine, some
crankcase oil from his car and
some of his own semen into the bottle and mixed it thoroughly.
Then he went back to the computer.
He waved his card through the slot, answered the questions
again and poured his mixture through the slot when asked.
There was a very long pause.
About half an hour later, the screen read:
Diagnosis:
1. Your dog has rabies
2. Your daughter is pregnant
3. Your car is going to throw a rod
4. If you dont stop wanking, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (dont even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
I dont know if this has been around the net much but I couldnt stop laughing
as I read it so I am forwarding it to the group. It was in all the Star Trek
newsgroups, and I have no idea who wrote it.
Qapla
Astrid
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”
“No thanks,” said the young man.
“My father wouldn’t like it.”
“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.
“Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”
“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”
Men are like….Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like….Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ….Vacations. They never seem long enough.
Men are like….Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like ….Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
Men are like….Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
Men are like….Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
Men are like….Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like….Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like….Commercials. You cant believe a word they say.
Men are like….Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like….Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like….Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like….Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, youre riding it.
Men are like….Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like….Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ….Snowstorms. You never know when hes coming, how many inches youll get or how long he will last.
What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? Artifical intelligence.
Bill Kirby of the Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga., passes this one
along:
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, Son, you
know Ive always been careful with what little money we had. I didnt
spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldnt even afford the license
to legally marry your Ma.
Pa! the young man stammered, do you know what that makes me?
Yep, said the old man fingering the $50, … and a cheap one, too.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
DONT ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT! Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.