Old and New Jokes

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, You wanna hear a blonde joke? The person replies, I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke? The man thinks for a while and replies, Not if I have to explain it three times.

1. Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3 If You Drink Dont Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A
Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Dont Succeed…blame Someone Else And
Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
13. If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. Its Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The
Booger.
16. If Youre Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. Youre Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me Im Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. Its Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Havent Lost My Mind, Its Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off… [Seen On The
Back Of A Bikers Vest]
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen
Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed
For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported
To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A
Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends
51. Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?
53. If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
Bullets.
54. Money Isnt Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta – People Eating Tasty Animals

The following item was extracted from the travel section of a UK daily newspaper:

Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable – and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV, 1, a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e. in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck, I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means I have seen someone out of Indias 870 million whom I recognize, There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen) or I have not blown my horn for several minutes.

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could. This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing – and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.

(via The Mouthpiece)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

She thought a second, and then replied, Youre going to die.

A man goes to the Doctor and says, Doctor I think my wifes been dead for two weeks!

Dead for two weeks? What makes you think that?

Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leona!
Leona who?
Leonaly way to go!

Un marica llega a la casa de su amigo y le pide prestado el baño. Un rato después, se escucha un grito en tono de queja:

¡Ah, ah, ah!

El dueño de la casa le grita al que se está bañando:

¿Está fría el agua?

No, el tubo.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.



Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.



She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.



Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.



She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!



Yes? she responded.

Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.



No, not anymore, she answered.

Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.



So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.



Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.



You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.



The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case strictly on its merits.