Old and New Jokes

Recently, there was a public television special honoring writer Larry Gelbart, whose credits include the TV show M*A*S*H*, the movies Tootsie and Oh, God, and the Broadway revival of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.

At one point, Carl Reiner was seated between Gelbart and Mel Brooks, talking about the days when they all worked for Sid Ceasar.

One great moment went something like this:

Carl Reiner: (pointing at Larry Gelbart) Im sitting between the wittiest and (pointing at Mel Brooks) funniest people that I know.

(With perfect timing, Mel Brooks does a spit-take and sprays a mouthful of water at the audience.)

Host: Can you tell us what the difference is between witty and funny?

Larry Gelbart: (without missing a beat) Witty is dry.

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, I hear that if you dont have any teeth they wont take you. They decide its worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Guy says, Well, no, except I dont have any teeth.

The Doc says, Open up and let me have a look. The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, Sure enough, you stand over there. The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Farm Boy says, No doc, ceptin I have a little case of the piles.

The doctor says, Bend over, spread em and let me see.

The Boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, Sure enough. Youve got em, stand over there.

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, Anything wrong with you?

He bellows, NOT GODDAMN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, No pets allowed. The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and youll see. The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips. The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown? The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him for 7 years!

how many jews can you fit in a beetle

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

She asked, How do you do it on Earth?

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and Ill show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.

Well, she said, where is the baby?

He said Oh, that takes nine months.

Well why did you stop stirring?

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

Un excéntrico millonario compra una momia egipcia en un millón y medio de dólares, y decide certificar su autenticidad. Para eso, la manda al Museo de Egiptología de Texas. Allí, tras algunas pericias infructuosas, se declaran incompetentes y le recomiendan que la lleve a la Universidad de París.

El tipo la lleva a París, donde le dicen lo mismo y le recomiendan que vaya a Egipto.

El millonario entonces se va con la momia a Egipto. Recorre el Museo de El Cairo, la Academia de Antropología, la Academia de Historia y nada. Cuando está saliendo del último museo se le acerca un ordenanza y le dice:

¿Usted quiere averiguar todo sobre esa momia?

Sí.

Bueno, yo le voy a dar una dirección, pero por favor usted no diga que se la dí yo. Mire, vaya a la Policía Federal en Buenos Aires, en la Argentina. Pida hablar con este Sargento, él lo va a ayudar.

El tipo va a la Argentina, se dirige al Departamento de Policía y pide hablar con el Sargento indicado por el ordenanza egipcio.

Mire, me dijeron que hable con usted, que me iba a poder ayudar… Yo quiero averiguar lo más posible sobre esta momia.

Déjemela y venga dentro de un par de días.

El millonario vuelve a los tres días totalmente desesperanzado y le pregunta al Sargento:

¿Y? ¿Cómo va la cosa?

Mire, se trata del Rey Thor IIX, tío abuelo de Tutankamon, que vivió en los años 1300 a. de C. Había sido amante de la esposa del abuelo de Tutankamon y por esto se peleó con su hermano muriendo en la lucha y dejando el reino a su sobrino, el padre de Tutankamon. Además, también parece que era un depravado porque intentó violar a su hija. De chico sus padres le pegaban, lo que lo marcó para toda su vida y…

Pare, pare. ¿Cómo averiguó todo esto?

Al principio costó un poquito, pero cuando lo apretamos enseguida largó todo.

Una niña que le pregunta a su madre:

Mamá, ¿cómo se hacen los niños?

Niña, a los hijos los trae la cigüeña.

Entonces, ¿quien se coge a la cigüeña?

To the citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.



Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.



2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.



Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.



7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.



Thank you for your cooperation.

Your mom is like a hockey player because she doesnt change her pad for 3 periods.