Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
22
May
22
May
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, theyd break
22
May
1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, its cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why dont we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. Its more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, theres a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4 bigger.
13. Its ok, well work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, theres an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, itll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didnt know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this wont take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didnt know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, its hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. Ill go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. Its a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Wheres the rest of it?
22
May
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?""You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
22
May
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,†bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.â€
“Not bad,†the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.â€
“That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!â€
22
May
Q: Whats invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts!
22
May
The President of the synagogue went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.
He says, Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!
22
May
Yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck
22
May
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter, just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church, and there wasnt a pew available; several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back.
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, I beg your pardon?
Get three chairs for my Baptist friends, repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. Three Chairs … For The Baptists, he enunciated.
The ushers face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. All right, everybody, he called out to the assembled worshippers. Three cheers for the Baptists!
[Thanks to TZ]
22
May
Clarification Of Corporate Lingo
Employers Lingo:
COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE Youll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Employees Lingo:
IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.
IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK I blame others for my mistakes.
IM PERSONABLE I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE Ive changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO Im never at my desk.
IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.