Q: Whats the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor… Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

Yo mammas so nasty, I was havin phone sex with her and I got an ear infection!

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

A mans home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

60 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Canada sunbathe
50 above:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
40 above:
Italian cars wont start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
The Saskatchewan River water gets thicker.
20 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
15 above:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians throw on a sweatshirt.
-0 –
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada lick the flagpole.
20 below:
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadas Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival classes until it gets cold
enough.
80 below:
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadians rent some videos.
100 below:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated when they cant thaw the keg.
297 below:
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below:
ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying….Cold nuff for ya?
500 below:
Hell freezes over.
The Canadian Hockey team wins Olympic gold.

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.9. Theyre not sure what season, or year it is.8. Theyre best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.5. Their fingers twitch all the time.4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.1. Someone is reading this to them, cause theyre too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 1970 (new maths): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. 1990: (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?) 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed because this encourages investment.

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasnt started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you havent written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. Youd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and thats it, seriously, as soon as its over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if shes started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you arent missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommates book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while youre at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didnt get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.