Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""Ive got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.
The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control.
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once?
The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Darn it, woman, cant you keep your mouth shut?
The officer frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, sir. Thats an automatic $75 fine.
The driver says, Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.
The wife says, Now, dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youre driving.
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam?
Only when hes been drinking.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I dont know, it all happened so fast.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wifes car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar.

The bear bangs on the bar.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars.

The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids.

The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen.

In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.

The barman says Sorry, we dont serve bears who are on drugs.

The bear says On drugs?

The barman says Yes – I saw the bar-bit-u-ate

Es el año 3.000 y en un mercado está un vendedor de cerebros:

¡Cerebros! ¡vendo cerebros!

Se acerca un hombre y dice: Una preguntita, ¿este cerebro cuánto cuesta?

Este vale 50.000 pesos.

¡Epa!, ¿de quién era?

Era de Cervantes.

¿Y ése?

Bueno, ése cuesta 150.000 pesos.

¡Qué barabaridad!, ¿de quién era?

Ese es el cerebro de Einstein.

¿Y ese cerebro?

¡Ah!, ese cuesta 2 millones de pesos.

¡No es posible!… ¿de quién era?

Era de una mujer.

¿Y por eso cuesta tanto?

¡claro! ¡Está sin estrenar!

Dos maricas iban en un elevador y uno le dice a otro:

Oye manita, huele como a semen.

¡Ay, perdón, es que eructé!

Only a fool can reproduce another fools work.