Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

When people say Marx, you think Groucho.

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.

He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog.

It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg.

Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.

He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesnt move an inch.

So the scientist writes in his book…

Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the Atlantic Monthly:

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 oclock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldnt wait any longer. It was 4 oclock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.
 
A rehearsal? his buddy asks, Dont you mean a performance?
 

 
No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.
 

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when theres a ring on the doorbell. He opens the door, and theres a snail sitting there.

What do you want?

asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

Go away, were closed, and we dont serve snails anyway.

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, picks the snail up, throws it as far as he can, and then slams the door shut.

….. Exactly one year later, hes locking up again, and theres a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there.

What do you want says the landlord.

What did you do that for says the snail.

You might be a redneck if…

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

Youve never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year.

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve…

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a cursor is someone who swears a lot.

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.

The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.

The clerk says, But you need the top too.

The woman replies, No, I dont. I can get everything into the bottom.

Estan dos invidentes frente a la puerta de Catedral, cantando con sus guitarras una tristísima cancion…

Se acerca un tipo elegante y bien vestido y le dice a uno de ellos: Buen hombre… le voy a dar algo para que no vuelva a cantar en su vida.

El cieguito afortunado, emite un gruñido y su compañero interpretándolo como de satisfacción, le pregunta: ¿que te dio, cabrón, que te dio?

Y el afortunado contesta, con voz apenas distinguible: ¡¡Un navajazo!!