Old and New Jokes

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

–Bobcat Goldthwait

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor — were going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?
Hand me that … uh … that uh … thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again…
Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Heck, the guys got two of em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? Its throwing my concentration off.
Whats this doing here?
I hate it when theyre missing stuff in here.
Thats cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadnt forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floors clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!

One day a little boy walks into his class. He is 5 minutes late. His teacher says,
Timmy, where have you been? He replies, On Blueberry Hill, and goes to his seat. The next day he comes to class 10 minutes late. His teacher says, Timmy, where have you been? He says, on Blueberry Hill, and goes to his seat. The next day a new girl walked into Timmys class. The teacher says, Can you please tell everybody your name? The little girl says, Blueberry Hill.

[I have been telling this joke in Punjabi (an Indian language)
for about 7 years. It is probably not original, but I havent come
across it anywhere else, either]

A Muslim and a Sikh were once traveling together in a train.
Both being from Punjab, spoke the same language and had a great time
talking to each other and generally whiling away time. Came lunchtime
and the Muslim took out his lunch and started eating without offering
it to the Sikh. The Sikh was rather insulted at this impolite behavior.
What city are you from? he asked the Muslim. Lahore, replied the
Muslim. At that, the Sikh started cursing the people of Lahore,
mentioning, among other things what impolite &*@##!%%s they all were.
Being guilty, the Muslim swallowed all this in silence.

A few minutes later, the Sikh was hungry and he took out his
lunch and started eating without offering it to the Muslim. The Muslim
saw this as an opportunity for revenge. And what city might you be
from? he asked the Sikh.

The Sikh replied, Im from Mecca. Start cursing!

One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it.

You have not, said the indignant Dr. Doane.

I have so, countered Twain.

Then send it to me. Id very much like to see it.

Ill send it, promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.

clipped from Roshans Humor list, a contribution from Tandy Carter

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.The waiter says that theres nothin special… we just flat out tell em theyre gonna die…

Why should you always take two Baptists fishing with you?If you take one, hell drink all your beer; if you take two, they wont drink any.

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. Youre very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, Ill be right back, they wont.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when theyre going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. And last but not least 15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.