Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk.

One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.



Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? sheasked.



Yeth. lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?

A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How do you get 11 violinists to play in tune?

A: Shoot 10 of them.

Theres the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, Ill give $20,000 to any woman here wholl come into the desert with me and do it MY way.

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him Just what is your way?

On credit.

The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Foreploy:
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous Surrender Dorothy on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it.
Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS:
the one true operating system.
Inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis:
a degenerate disease.
Karmageddon:
Its like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer.
Hindkerchief:
really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme:
a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).
Dopeler effect:
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble youve gotten in. Whenever theres a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Youll be surprised how effective this form can be!Dear:

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should nothave pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused isbeyond my ability to

a) imagine.
b) fathom.
c) comprehend.
d) appreciate.
e) pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly withinyour rights to

a) hate me.
b) sue me.
c) spank me.
d) take my firstborn.
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times weve had, joshing around at

a) school.
b) work.
c) church.
d) the bowling alley.
e) the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend.
b) child.
c) sibling.
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) Im going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign …

Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.