Old and New Jokes

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, Were they all dead?

The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket – clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louies office, the question was put to him.

So whats the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin or you just want to always be ready or what?

Not scared … Benny growled, been doin it dis way ever since me sister-in-laws weddin bout ten ten years ago now.

Oh yeah? … so …?

Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much … but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it, Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.

But WHY?!, Louie finally demanded?

Well, I was at da wedding, grumbled Benny, and I wasnt about to say nuttin about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said …

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!

Se encuentran dos amigos en un bar y uno le dice al otro:

Vamos a hacer un negocio, ¿Cuánto me das si te vendo a mi suegra?

El otro responde:

Por tu suegra, ni un centavo.

Okay, trato hecho.

Q: Why do women have small feet?

A: To get closer to the sink.

Your Momma is so fat . . .

She went bungee jumping and went straight to Hell.

Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.

Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the Oral Office.

Those who cant write, write help files.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the

elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by

saying, T-G-I-F? (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied,S-H-I-T (letters only).

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, T-G-I-F again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, S-H-I-T.

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and

said as sweetly as possibly T-G-I-F another time.

The man smiled S-H-I-T.

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday, get it?

The man answered, Sorry, Honey, Its Thursday.

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily … well, once a week … okay, monthly then … or maybe …

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL … LOL!

10. I will read the manual … just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than password.

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning … 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve … I resolve to … I resolve to, uh … I resolve to, uh, get my, er … I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!