Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldnt get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldnt get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.



A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

What do you call a Mexican who has had a vasectomy?

– Dry Martino.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Well, arent we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

A hard-on doesnt count as personal growth?

Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

This isnt an office; its hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

Therapy is expensive; popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.

I like cats too. Lets exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, Ill put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your crybaby, whiny-arsed opinion would be…?

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

[Ed: Inspired by the recent discussion on how to get a computer that blows
up the way movie computers do. ]

A small step was taken toward this end back in the early sixties, in IBMs
System/360 model 30 CE school. Seems one of the better students had time
enough to pore over the schematics and discover which cores (remember core
memory?) were located just beneath the overtemp sensor. He wrote a small
program that did nothing but abuse those particular cores by writing ones
and zeroes alternately to them, until they heated up, and the temperature
sensor shut down the machine.

First, of course, the program printed out Programmed Power Down on the
console. Caused a lot of bewilderment among the students and instructors.
Especially since the big feature being touted about the S/360 was that it
was so oriented to multiprogramming that it didnt even have a HALT
instruction.

This political joke is from the book From Beirut to Jerusalem, by
Thomas Friedman.

A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election.

Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. President! You won 98.6% of the
vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented!
What more could you possibly want?

Assad: Their names.

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.Well, the man says, I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now Im in the doghouse.What kind of question? the neighbor asks.My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.Thats easy, says the neighbor. You just say, Of course I will.Yeah, says the other man, thats what I meant to say. But what came out was, Of course I do.

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 – Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 – Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 – The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 – It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

372.05 – It is unlawful to shout Whiplash!, Ambulance!, or Free Scotch! for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 – It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, thats their stompin grounds!

372.08 – If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

372.09 – It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 – Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied Sidewinders

2 – Two-faced Tortfeasors

1 – Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators

3 – Horn Rimmed Cut-throats

2 – Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

Your family automatically heads for the table every time
they hear a fire siren.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what peas porridge in a pot nine days old
tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family
grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for
your toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting
him over for dinner.

Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle
toxic waste in their lunch bags.

Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

Forest Gump goes to heaven…The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?2) How many seconds are there in a year?3) What is Gods first name?Forrest says, Well, the first one – how many days in the week begin
With the letter T?
That ones easy.
Thatd be Today and Tomorrow.The Saints eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
Forrest, thats not what I was thinking, but …..
Ill give you credit for that answer.How about the second one? asks St. Peter.
How many seconds in a year?Now that ones harder, says Forrest, but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve.Astounded, St. Peter says, Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?Shucks, theres gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. I see where youre going with this, and Ill have to give you credit for that one, too. Lets go on with the next and final question.Can you tell me Gods first name?Sure Forrest replied, ITS ANDY.Andy?! exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?That was the easiest one of all, Forrest replied.ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: Run, Forrest, run.