Old and New Jokes

A man goes to Fredericks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

This is $200, she says.

I want one thats more sheer, says he.

This one is $350.

I want it even more sheer than that.

This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.

Ill take it!

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me.

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not.

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.

So, how do you like it? she says.

Damn, youd think for $500, theyd at least iron the damn thing!

A woman was pulled over by West Virginia State Highway Patrolmen, for speeding.

When the officer approaches the car, the is hoping to get out of the ticket, so she asks, So can I buy tickets to the west virgina highway patrols ball?

The officer answers Maam, west virginia highway patrol men dont have balls.

Suffice to say, the woman did not get a ticket.

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.



No problem! Ill write you a check!



Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.



So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!



I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.



If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, its exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.



If you get a promotion ahead of her, its favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.



If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, its male indifference.



If you cry, youre a wimp.

If you dont, youre insensitive.



If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist pig, you bastard.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.



If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination.

If she asks you, its a favor.



If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain.

If you dont, youre a slob.



If you buy her flowers, youre after something.

If you dont, youre not thoughtful.



If youre proud of your achievements, youre an egotist.

If youre not, youre not ambitious.



If she has a headache, shes tired.

If you have a headache, you dont love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

Estaban en un mitin todas las mujeres del mundo para hacerle a Dios tres peticiones muy importantes para ellas, y entonces, baja San Pedro con su libretita y su lápiz para apuntar sus peticiones.

Díganme hijas, cual es su primer petición.

Primero, queremos que la regla no sea cada mes, que sea cada seis meses porque es una chinga estar cada 28 días con esas molestias.

San Pedro anota la petición en su libretita.

Muy bien hijas, ¿cual es su segunda petición para el Señor?

Segundo, queremos que el embarazo no dure nueve meses, porque es muy cansado estar cargando esa panza todo ese tiempo, queremos que dure solo tres meses.

San Pedro anota la petición número dos en su libretita.

Perfecto hijas mías, y por último, ¿cual es la tercer petición?

Por último, queremos que el pene del hombre sea bonito porque ¡realmente es horrible!

San Pedro consternado anota la petición número tres y les pide a las mujeres que se reúnan nuevamente en un mes más.

Después del mes, se vuelven a reunir y las mujeres aclamando: que vivan las mujeres, que vivan las mujeres esperan a San Pedro que baja ipsofacto ante tal escándalo y comienza su discurso.

Hijas, la petición número uno, será otorgada parcialmente. La regla será cada cinco meses, porque seis estuvo medio cabrón. La petición número dos, será otorgada también parcialmente. El periodo de embarazo durará cuatro meses y medio, fue lo más que pude hacer por ustedes. Y la tercera petición, fue declinada completamente por nuestro señor.

Y las mujeres gritando y reclamando: ¿Pero por qué, señor?

Y les contesta San Pedro: ¡Porque si feo y peludo se lo maman, bonito se lo comen!

Esta es la historia de un culo que ya no quería ser culo, así que hablo con el Supremo:

Ya no quiero ser un culo, pidió.

Pero, ¿por qué no quieres ser un culo?

Es que soy la cosa más miserable del universo; me ultrajan y abusan de mí. No, ya no quiero ser un culo, se queja.

Entonces, ¿qué quieres ser?

Yo quisiera ser un pajarito.

Y, zas, el Altísimo lo convierte en pájaro. Cuando se trepa a una rama de un árbol, como lo hacen todos los pájaros, llega otro pájaro que lo saluda:

Hola, culito.

No soy culito, reclama.

Eres un culo, insiste el ave.

No, que no soy.

Entonces, ¿qué eres?

Pues soy un pajarito.

A ver, canta.

Y comienza a cantar:

Prprprprprpr.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.

Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.

She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!

Rippington says, O.K.

How can you spot the Polish Jew at the Wailing Wall?

Hes the one with the harpoon.