Old and New Jokes

Monica Lewinski walks into a cleaners carrying her blue dress. After she
dropped it off for it to be cleaned and was about to walk out the door,
the little chinese man behind the counter said, Come again!

No Monica says, This time its mayonaise!

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.Arent you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor.Sure, after the police leave, replied the lawyer.

Collards is green,

my dogs name is Blue

and Im so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blues

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You aint got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yore as satisfyn as okry

jist a-fryn in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as snuff

right out of the can.

You have somea yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when were in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, Im in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yore there fer yore man,

to patch up lifes troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin overhead.

You aint mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Aint nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentines Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

its romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

Thats impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

Diamonds are forever,

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these wont do.

Cause yore too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds …

ITS A NEW TROLLN MOTOR!!!

Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
Giving Worf a nuggie.
Ordering a pizza from Dominos, then going 30 minutes into the future just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals.
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Countdown during self-destruct sequence.
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression.
Calling down to the transporter room, and asking if theyve beamed aboard Prince Albert in a can.
Tribble sex!

A HAM AND CHEESE SAMWHICH WALKS IN A BAR A GOS UP TO THE BAR TENDER AND ASKS FOR A DRINK AND THE BAR TENDER SAYS SORRY WE DONT SEVIRE FOOD.

Este era un tipo tan odioso que nadie lo soportaba.

Un dia suena el telefono de un Doctor y al otro lado de la línea se oye:

Doctor, tiene que ayudarme, me ha salido algo muy feo.

El Doctor contesta:

Como no señor, lo espero en mi consultorio para examinarlo.

Al cabo de unas horas entra al consultorio el odioso con un horrible sapo pegado en la cara.

El Doctor le pregunta:

¿Pero cómo le paso esto señor?

A lo que el sapo contesta:

No sé, Doctor, yo estaba muy tranquilo y de repente me salió esta chingadera en el culo.

El día de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:

¿Qué es lo que está pasando?

Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las demás. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que sucedía dice:

¡No se peleen más, porque si no le pongo el asiento!

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

– They dont know the words.

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

Oh, come on. says the Rabbi.

YES! says Bernie.

Rabbi: I dont believe you. You are just fooling around; thats not a proper thing to do in temple.

Bernie: Its true!

Ok, says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernies bluff), then show me what the dog can do.

OK says Bernie nodding to the dog … The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school???

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!