Old and New Jokes

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret, girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or

angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

12. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctors office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctors office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?

To this, the eye doctor responded, I said to myself Thank the Lord, Im not a gynecologist.

1. Open an executable file on my machine. Please dont send any.

1a. Open Word documents (notorious for their embedded macros, possibly infected). (Get WordPerfect, at least its got a spell checker thats literate.) Please dont send any.

2. Read or pass on ANY kind of chain letter. Please dont send any.

3. Read a message thats been forwarded multiple times and is embedded three or more emails deep. If its worth sending, its worth copying and pasting; I receive too many emails to go up to my waist in any particular one, or read through 2 screens of email addresses. Please dont send any.

Why?

Because … I dont have Microsoft patience.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gerald!
Gerald who!
Gerald washed up kid!

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.

Sit down, said the judge. That is the prosecuting attorney.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Egbert!
Egbert who?
Egbert no bacon please!

Always talk to your wife while youre making love… if theres a phone handy.

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks!

I know for a fact that the following examples of idiocy are true, because I myself was witness to their occurance.

In 1989, I was working in a state office in Kansas. It was right after the 1988 George Bush Presidential campaign.

Well, one day we had been talking about pork rinds (if youll remember, George Bush was a great fan of the greasy snack food at the time), and our supervisor brought in a big bag.

My deskmate was chowing into them like there was no tomorrow. I said, Gee, I guess you really like Bushs favorite snack!

She responded, Bush who?

I said, *George* Bush, Gina!

She said, Whos he? Does he work here? (rolling eyes) Of course, George Bush was the President of the United States by this time…

Same office, a few months later.

There was an article in the newspaper during the summer of 1989 decrying the fact that United States high school seniors had a very poor knowledge of geography. I was reading the newspaper in the break room, in the presence of another co-worker of mine. The column in the paper stated that some huge percent (60%?? 80%??) of graduating seniors couldnt name the two countries that bordered the United States.

I turned to my co-worker and said, Oh, this is ludicrous! *You* know which countries border the United States, dont you?

My co-worker responded, Well, *yah*, duh! To the north its Canada, and to the south, its the *ocean*! (rolling eyes)

Okay, the last straw before I finally quit the job to stay home and raise babies and hang out with *intelligent* and *educated* people… (grin)

In the fall of 1989, 1960s US protestor and political activist Abbie Hoffmann killed himself. I was listening to National Public Radio on my headset when I heard the news, and I said aloud, and a little sadly, Aw. Abbie Hoffmann is dead.

My deskmate chittered, Oh really?? Whos she?

(bonk)