Old and New Jokes

Look out for #1. Dont step in #2 either.

and he walks up to the cashier and asks do you have any grapes?the cashier responds..No this is a department store we dont sell food we sell clothes!so the duck leaves… and comes back the next day..
he walks up to the cashier and asks..
do you have any grapes?
the cashier responds,
no we are a department store we dont sell grapes..we sell make upthe duck leaves and comes back the next day…he walks up to the cashier and asks..
do you have any grapes?and the cashier frustrated says,
no for the final time we dont sell grapes and if you ask again I WILL NAIL YOUR DUCK FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!the duck leaves…and comes back the next day…
he walks up to the cashier and asks,
do you have any nails?
the cash register responds…
No.
so the duck asks..
do you have any grapes?

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin, from the front to the back,

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin real fine.

A cold wind was blowin, up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin of weapons and guns,
For killin Gods creatures, theres no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal*Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin the racket, was Good Ol St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own minds eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But Ive got a surprise.

That old boys an Arkie, our fair state he wont failer,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said Light Beer,
There was no red hat, his cap read,John Deere.

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, And to all … A bud lite

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chopin!
Chopin who?
Chopin the supermarket!

Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didnt exist before it was lit up.

Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the

now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted

into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:

Baaaa, then re-joined the flock.

Manolo y Venancio se encuentran:

¿Qué tal, Venancio? ¿Ya has armado el rompecabezas que te compraste el otro día?

¡Jo! No se puede, me tardaría muchísimo.

Manolo, extrañado, le pregunta:

¿Te tardarías mucho? ¿Y porqué?

Es que en la caja decía de 5 años en adelante, joder!

Letter to the DENTON RECORD CHRONICLE from Dwight Crawford Sr.of Sanger, Texas:

TERRORISM, WHAT IS THAT?

I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, politicians, and the news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming weeks and months. What a joke! You have a better chance of getting killed on Interstate 35E than by a terrorist.

Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesnt have fire ants to go with it. If he did, he wouldnt be sleeping on the ground in his cave. He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesnt know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.

Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lime disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years. Whats new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague, armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats and skunks carry rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins. Ho hum.

They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have never pulled in behind a cattle truck while its raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two cowboys after they have just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red Beans.

Texas aint for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say Dont mess with Texas! Osama, consider yourself warned!

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said CLEAN

RESTROOMS 8 MILES.

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!

Thanx to Leon Mosteller.