Old and New Jokes

For women – Helpful info.

For men – For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Dont breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasnt effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!

A friend of mine told me that his brother shot a nice 9-point buck this hunting season. While back at the farm one evening, his twin four year old nephews came for a visit. The uncle, being extremely proud of his prize deer, asked the boys if they would like to see it. They did. So they went down to the machine shed, where the buck was hanging for all to see.

The uncle stepped up to the door of the machine shed, and with his chest puffed out in pride, swung the door of the shed open.

Wow! exclaimed one of the boys. Look at that John Deere tractor!

And the two of them ran over to the tractor, completely ignoring the deer.

Needless to say, the uncles hunting partners are not letting him forget this. I heard a rumor that he is getting a toy John Deere tractor for Christmas this year.

The General shouted to his troops, Onward To Victory!

About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him……. Need Further Instructions, Victory not on map!

This is a good time to punt work.

Yo mama so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green.

Two Surds were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes
into the flight, the Captain announces, One of the engines has failed
and the flight will be an hour longer. But dont worry, we have three
engines left.
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announces, One more engine has
failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But dont worry, we have
two engines left.
An hour later, the Captain announces, One more engine has failed
and the flight will be three hours longer. But dont worry, we have one
engine left.
One Surdarji looked at the other and said, If we lose one more
engine, well be up here all day!

Now that Im older…..heres what Ive discovered…..

I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I dont remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days youre the dog; some days youre the hydrant. Nostalgia isnt what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few…. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. When youre finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Its not hard to meet expenses…theyre everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The following is an excerpt of an article in the April issue of Saturday Night magazine by John Fraser the (now) former editor.

For those who dont know, the province of Ontario has set in place a policy of zero tolerance for harassment and discrimination at universities. This excerpt really pokes fun at the potential misuse and abuse of such a policy.

Dear H & D officer,

I am a female graduate student with an alternative lifestyle. Our history department has invited an international scholar named Simon Schama to lecture here next month. The title of his talk is Dykes and Discord: The role of land reclamation in 17th century Dutch domestic policy. Posters have been plastered all over our campus, causing snickering, and I have been made to feel uneasy. Does the FRAMEWORK have any remedy?

You bet it does! There is zero tolerance for anything that makes you feel a loss of self-esteem, and the FRAMEWORK clearly states the visitors on campus should be subject to complaints if they engage in prohibited conduct.

Depending on how your academic administration chooses to police the FRAMEWORKS guidelines, you have a range of options – from demanding prior access to the visitors lecture to cancellation of the lecture itself and having the visitor barred from campus.

As for posters, they clearly come under the grounds of poisoning the work or study environment, and the FRAMEWORK is very specific about this : A complainant, it says, does not [even] have to be a direct target to be adversely affected by a negative environment. It includes conduct or comment that creates and maintains an offensive, hostile, or intimidating climate for study or work.

If Im not mistaken the quotations are direct quotes from the zero tolerance policy.

Laugh, its OK … for now (insert dramatic military music here)