All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met OK, so whats the speed of dark? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever – so far, so good Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines Im not cheap, but I am on special this week I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough! Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.
Your Mamma is so fatt she uses a bus as a vibrator
(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)
Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?
Yes, I dont have one.
Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors…
– E. DAzevedo Computer Science 372
If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234
Lets make ethanol green this afternoon.
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
What Ive done, of course, is total garbage.
– R. Willard Pure Math 430a
The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it?
– M. Devine Computer Science 340
Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124
You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
– D. Taylor Computer Science 350
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldnt remember the proof.
– Baker Pure Math 351a
Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette.
– P. Buhr Computer Science 354
Every prof blows this. Were all going to get AIDS or something.
– J. Vanderkooy Physics 122
How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
You cant drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up.
– Forbes Math Elective 102
Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week
from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesnt dim the lights when you turn it on.
– Hepler Systems Design 182
You have to regard everything I say with suspicion – I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
– J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b
Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
– M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340
Well call it S for cyclic.
– Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b
Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it.
– F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240
All that was meant to bore you shitless.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230
The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
arent even any property taxes.
– J. MacKay Mathematics 134b
So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and P on it, right?
– J. Baker Mathematics 234b
Thats an engineer on his work term. Hes sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again…Hell do that 10 times to make the pipe
shorter.
– J. MacKay Statistics 332
What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?
Take out a loan.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234
El cura y el chulo del pueblo se encuentran tomando unas cervezas en el bar; cada que entraba una mujer, éste se dirige al clérigo:
“Padre, a esa me la he tirao yo”.
Entraba otra y lo mismo:
Padre, a esa también me la he tirao yo.
Perplejo, y ya cuando el chulo llevaba más de 100 mujeres, el religioso le cuestiona:
“¿Oye y a que tÃa de este pueblo no te has tirao tú?”
“Pues, padre, a do: mi madre y mi hermana”.
“¡Pues entre tú y yo nos hemos follao a to el pueblo!”
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the Californias third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 chad sells at Sothebys for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
Grabels Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!! He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: Come on guys, were almost there!
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, Why do you dress funny?
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priests plastic collar tab and asked, Do you have an owie?
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, Do you know what those words say?
Yes I do, said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!
What do Tommy Lee and Saddam Hussein have in common?
Theyre both well hung!
(A JakesJokes.com original…)