Old and New Jokes

Una pareja de cubanitos va a casarse en una semana.

El cubanito dice: Oye chica, ya eh tiempo de que me permitah un brinquito, chica, estoy que me muero.

A lo que la chica contesta: Ya, chico. No insistah que sólo faltan 7 dias.

Dos días después el cubanito insiste: Mira, mi ñiña. Sólo faltan cinco diitah, por favor, echemoh un brinquito, chica.

No, chico, no. Solo faltan 5 díah.

Por favor, chica, por lo menoh una tocadita, anda deja tocarte.

No chico, no. Son solo 5 díah.

Dos días antes de la boda, ni modo que el cubanito se resigne: ¡Anda chica, ya estamoh prácticamente casadoh mi alma! Anda, una tocadita, aunque sea.

A lo que la chica responde: Ay mi negro, deverah que quiero, pero no chico, aguanta…

El cubano interrumpiendo le dice: Mira chica, aunque sea sólo verte, deja verte… anda… o una olidita, nomah, ¡eso! una olidita nomah…

A lo que ella dice: Ok, chico, ok. Pero sólo una olidita, ¿eh? y ya nomah.

El negrito se acerca, cerrando los ojos huele un par de veces y con cara extrañada, exclama:

¡Oye chica! ¿y tu creeh que esto dure para pasado mañana?

Whats six inches long and guaranteed to give British Jewish women pleasure?


A ten pound note

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements

Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (dont even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A programmer died after leading a rather quit life. This guy was lucky, he got a choice between going to heaven or hell.

So he went on a tour of heaven with St. Peter. All around him people was singing and clapping hands or just leading a mild, peacefull existence. Mmm, this aint bad, thought the programmer. But what does hell look like?, he wondered.

Satan took him on a personal tour of Hell. They went to a bar with beautiful girls who did everything you asked with a smile. You didnt have to pay for anything, and It was situeted in a tropical paradise. Now THIS I could go for.

The programmer chose hell. The moment he set foot there, 4 ugly demons grabbed him and carried him off to a huge fire. Everything smelled fould and diseased, and there wasnt a sign of the tropical paradise he visited on the tour. So he asked Satan about it.

Laughing evilly, Satan replied That was the _demo_, man.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.

Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You dont think Jeffs jokes are funny.

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the Tricky Dick Virus, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store, the alarm went off!

Están dos mexicanos tomando y uno le dice al otro:

¡Que viva la Menstruación!

Compadre, querrá decir: ¡Que viva la Revolución!

Es lo mismo, ¡lo importante es que corra sangre!

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit. 9 Iron

The man looks round and doesnt see anyone so he tries again. Ribbit. 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.



He says to the frog, Wow thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh? The frog replys Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog. The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. was the reply.



The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, Ok where to next? The frog reply, Ribbit Las Vegas.



They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, Ok frog, now what? The frog says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, what do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit $3000 black 6. Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.



The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, Frog, I dont know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit, Kiss Me.



He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.



All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.



And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.