Old and New Jokes

• Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
• Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
• Grease pan, crack nuts.
• Measure two cups flour;
• Remove babys hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
• Remeasure flour.
• Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
• Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
• Get another bowl.
• Answer doorbell.
• Return to kitchen.
• Remove babys hands from bowl.
• Wash baby.
• Answer phone.
• Return.
• Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
• Look for baby.
• Grease another pan.
• Answer telephone.
• Return to kitchen and find baby.
• Remove babys hands from bowl.
• Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
• Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
• Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
• Call baker.
• Lie down.

[I got this from They Used to Call Me Snow White…But I Drifted
by Regina Barreca. CTM]

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesnt have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. Put
your hands between my legs to warm them up, says she. So he does,
and goes back out to the flat tire. Its so cold, he has to come back
in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation,
between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the
car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, Arent your ears cold?

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.

1. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, its really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and youre on the mend.
Heres a bouquet of flowers … and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?

8. Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you …. Ive changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life….
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
that youre not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? Youll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married … but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age…
Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

15. We have been friends for a very long time ….. I say we stop!

16. Im so miserable without you …. its almost like youre here.

17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

18. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So were having you put to sleep.

19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)

Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…? Bill Clinton replied, No. Some begin with After Im elected…

Q: How many alt.fan.star-trek readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Illogical. We dont have such dated devices anymore.

Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and Ive just cashed up.

Womans Quote of the Day:



Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner with



Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:



Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

Id insult you, but youre not bright enough to notice.

Im glad Im a woman

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I dont brag to my buddies about my erections
I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt
my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I dont go around re-adjusting my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind
Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing
I dont have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack
And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb
Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball
I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I wont tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true
Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!