A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.
She slowly spread her legs … Honey would you like some of this? she asked enticingly. Hell no! he gasped, look what its done to your underwear!
"Im prescribing
these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient,
who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds.
"I dont want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time…."
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, Cant you see Im winning?
Subject: MOUSE BALLS
> How To Replace Mouse Balls
I dont know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Jenna
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Can I have a hot rag for my nose?
The bartender says yes, but why do you need that for your nose?
The man answers Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying A dollar per point. The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
What do you call an [ethnic] man and six monkeys?
– A Branch Manager.
This wonderful bit of followup on the news courtesy of Durham Herald-Sun
columnist Carl Daniels-Kinney:
Im sure many of you are aware that about two weeks ago, the US Supreme
Court ruled that the state of Missouri cannot discriminate against the Ku
Klux Klan when it comes to groups that want to participate in the
adopt-a-highway program. Of course, while the name of the Klan is
aesthetically disgusting, wed all agree that this decision is a victory
for free speech and equal protection under the law, right?
Well, the DOT in Missouri has gotten their revenge, and boy is it sweet.
Sure, they cant remove the KKKs adopt-the-highway sign, but few would
dispute the states ability to name the highway itself.
The KKK is now cleaning up a stretch of the newly-christened Rosa Parks
Freeway.