Old and New Jokes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?

My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?
I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

what does michael jackson have in common with k-mart …. they both have little boys pants half off

True story: A friends mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently, Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemens ball?

To that, he replied, No maam. Were Rangers! We dont have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered, Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off – no ticket was issued.

Q: Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: Its ass.

Una maestra mexicana fanática de las chivas pregunta a sus alumnos quien le va a las chivas y todos los niños por miedo levantan la mano, menos Pepito.

La maestra le pregunta: ¿Tú a quien le vas, Pepito?

Al América.

¿Por qué?

Porque mi papá le va al América, mi mamá también y toda mi familia también.

Y si tu papá fuera un homosexual, tu mamá una prostituta y toda tu familia fueran rateros, ¿tú que serías?

Y Pepito responde:

¡Seguramente chivista!

An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, Its time! Send for the Minister.



The dying man said, The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics.



Get the Minister! Get the Minister! the dying man repeated agitatedly.



Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind, the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. I will call the priest.



The old man insisted, If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked.



So, reluctantly, the son did his fathers bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.



The son said, Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here.



The priest rushed over to the old mans beside and he asked in dismay, HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?



The old man looked up and replied, Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us.

Ah, yes divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. – Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, youre right! I never wouldve thought of that! – Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. – Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to womens breasts? – Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. – Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, whats the problem? – Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld

If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job.


But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

Yo mama so dumb, she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and thought it was a twinkie

Q: There was a blonde and a brunette on a cliff they had to jump to get down who do you think got down first?

A: The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions and fix her makeup.

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think Ill find Big Bird in here?

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think Ill find the Cookie Monster down there?

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think Ill hear Barney in there?

Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart.

Barneys on my underpants.