Old and New Jokes

What do you call a depressed dentist? A little down in the mouth.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: They dont. They only use acoustic light bulbs.

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, he said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

What not to say to your wife.

Smile for me, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church.



As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please dont let me be late to church.

Please dont let me be late to church….

As she was running she tripped and fell.



When she got back up she began praying again…



Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!



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One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.



The boy asked hid Dad, What are these Pop?

Theyre smart pills son, said his father.

Eat them and theyll make you smarter.



So he ate them and said, Yuck…these taste like poop!



See, said his father, youre already getting smarter!

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.



This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.



Yo, Bob, I didnt know you were into earrings.



Oh, yeah, sure, says Bob sheepishly.



Really? How long have you been wearing one?



Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.

Now read this again without the word cat.

One day a brunette mother walks in her daughters room, she sees a cigarette pack on the floor and says, I didnt know my daughter smoked.

The same day a redheaded mother is looking in her sons room and sees a beer bottle on the floor and says, I didnt know my son drank.

The same day, a blonde mother is in her daughters room and sees a condom on the floor and says, I didnt know my daughter had a penis!

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. Things arent going too well, guys, he announced grimly. So to perk up sales Im announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.



What does the loser get? asked one of the salesmen.



The owner looked at both men and said, The loser gets to give it.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!