Q. What do you call two irish homosexuals

A. Gerald Fitz-patrick and Patrick Fitz-gerald

Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.

Everything takes longer than you think.

A man should be greater than some of his parts.

What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with you that couldnt be cured by cosmetic surgery.

Agree with me now:

it will save so much time.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Income tax examiner: Whats your husbands average income?

Wife: Oh, about midnight.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean? he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for

Show & Tell, and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

I brought a Walkman.

And what is it for?

You can listen to music with it!

Thats nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?

I brought a lectrical can opener, it opens cans!

Well done, Kenny.

Umm, Johnny, I see you didnt bring anything!

Yes, I did. Its in the hall.

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

Umm, Johnny, what is that?

Its a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.

Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?

He said, AAAARRRGGGH!!!