Old and New Jokes

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. Its even called Gravol for Children. It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back – my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldnt take them!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
De Niro!
De Niro who?
De Niro I am to you, the more I like you!

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!

Manual práctico para entender el español de los hombres

Si un hombre dice:

Tengo hambre = Tengo hambre.

Tengo sueño = Tengo sueño.

Estoy cansado = Estoy cansado.

Hablemos = Estoy tratando de impresionarte, para que pienses que soy un hombre profundo y accedas a tener sexo conmigo (comprobado).

Pareces tensa, ¿te doy un masaje? = Primero te meto mano, después quiero sexo contigo.

¿Me concedes esta pieza? = Quiero un agarre y después sexo contigo.

¿Te gustaría ir al cine conmigo? = Quiero sexo contigo.

¿Quieres cenar conmigo hoy en la noche? = Quiero sexo contigo.

¿Te puedo llamar el viernes? = Quiero sexo contigo.

¿Te quieres casar conmigo? = Quiero que sea ilegal para ti acostarte con otro hombre que no sea yo.

(De compras) sí, sí, mi amor, te queda bonito = Agárralo de una vez y vámonos ya ¡carajo!

Qué bonito ese vestido = ¡Qué buena estás!

Sí, sí, está bien tu nuevo corte = Te quedaba mejor el anterior.

Sí, te queda bien el nuevo corte = 100 soles… ¡pa la basura!

Pero, ¿cuál es el problema? = No entiendo la tragedia.

¿Qué te pasa? = ¿Qué trauma psicológico auto-inventado te afecta hoy?

¿Estás molesta? = Me imagino que esta noche, nada de sexo.

Estoy aburrido = Quiero ir a emborracharme con mis amigos.

Te amo = Necesito sexo… ¡ya!

Yo también te amo = Ok, ¿estás contenta? ¿Podemos comenzar con el sexo?

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:



This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

In-class assignment for Wednesday: Tandem Story. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on until both people agree a conclusion has been reached. The story must be coherent, and each paragraph relevant to the prior one.

——————————————-

Rebecca and Gary

English 144A

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller



At first, Laurie couldnt decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who had once said in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.



Meanwhile, Advance Team Captain Carl Harris was leading his patrol squadron into orbit over Skylon 4. Carl had more important things to think about than the neuroses of that air-headed asthmatic woman named Laurie who, after one sweaty night over three months ago, was still desperately clinging to an illusion of a relationship she had fabricated in her unbalanced mind. Alpha Tango One to Geostation One-Niner-Three, he said into his subspace communicator. Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance… But before he could sign off a bluish plasma beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit threw him out of his seat and into the cockpit control panel.



He hit his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose ones innocence to become a woman? she pondered wistfully.



Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anuudrian battleship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, bleeding-heart peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the U.N. had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empire who was determined to enslave the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anuudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet and nothing to stop them. They swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in a submarine off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 15 million other Americans. He slammed his fist on the conference table. I KNEW this would happen! I am exercising my executive privledge to annul that treaty effective IMMEADIATELY! Ready the nukes, were gonna blow those bastards out of the sky!



This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.



Yeah? Well, youre a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.



Asshole.



Bitch.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Celery!
Celery who?
Celery me you lunch will you, Im hungry!

Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.

The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that.

The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be when I get it.

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal.

As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire.

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there. The cop said, I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations.

The marine asked, How much do you have so far? The cop replied, Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!

Whats the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?

The dog will stop barking once you let it in!