Jam 29 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your mastercard to pay your visacard.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, Have a nice day, tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget weighless and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of Things to do that you have already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Fill your tax returns in roman numerals.
Tatoo Out to lunch on your forehead.
Leaf through a National Geographical and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it and return it the next day.
Pay your electricity bill in one cent pieces.
Drive to work in reverse.
Polish your car with ear wax.
Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Send your doctor a bill for the times you spend in his waiting room.
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
Braid the hair in each nostril.
Lie on your back eating celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays.
And help me to remember that… When Im having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.
Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If
four of your friends are OK, then youre the one.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
In school, the professor asks:
-Who can tell me now who was the mother
of Moses? You, Daniel,should know,tell me!
Daniel, a young jewish child, stand up and
answers without hesitate :
– Moses mother was the faraohs daughter!
– No,no,no,no, Daniel…, the faraohs
daughter found him down the Nile,in a basket…
– Yeah,thats what she says
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a mans head.She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.Hello? she cried, but no answer.Is there anyone here? she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE? Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away… Were down here!
Santa Singh came to New Delhi and wanted to do shopping at Janpath. His delhiite friend told him that the prices are usually hiked up and he should bargain for half the price.
Santa Singh went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa Singh asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give the stereo for Rs.1800 for which Santa Singh told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor said ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs and our Santa Singh bargained for Rs.750.
It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation and thinking that this stupid Sardar is not going to buy anything. He is just wasting my time. He said he will give the stereo for free.
Santa asked whether he will give two.
Vendor now realising that the sardar is out to have some fun and really not interested in buying anything. Vendor agreed.
Santa said now he wants to have the whole shop.
A pikie
I wont be coming to work today because:
______________________
1. If its all the same to you, I wont be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. Im stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I wont be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, Ill be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I wont bite things when I am startled.
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.