Old and New Jokes

Yo mama soo sleepy when she go to salon for a haircut but came out with shaved head and arms

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am,
at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?

I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?

What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

There was a blonde in the middle of a wheat field, in a row boat, rowing. When another blonde, stops her car on the side of the road, gets out and starts yelling, You are the type of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) – Stafford Beer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. Im too young to die. Im only fifty five.

Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.

How in the world did you get that number? the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter: We added up the billable hours you charged your clients.

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Wisconsin. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a state game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, Good morning, maam. What are you doing?

Reading a book, she replies, (thinking Isnt that obvious?)Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.Im sorry, officer, but Im not fishing. Im reading.Yes, but you have all the equipment. Ill have to take you in and write you up.If you do that, Ill have to charge you with sexual assault, says the woman.But I havent even touched you, says the warden.Thats true, but you have all the equipment.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. Its likely that she can also think.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?
Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?
I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.
Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd guy)
Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!
Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your asshole before prison….

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech
impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally
asks him to drop his pants.

Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem
to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted
up to the neck area.

The patient then asks, wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i-
t? to which the doctor replies, modern surgery can work miracles. We can
replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear
right after the operation.

The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering
disappears.

About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, doctor, I
am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick,
and rather than lose her Ive decided to get my old dick back and live with
stuttering for the rest of my life. The doctor then looks straight at the man
and replies, d-d- de-deals a d-d-deal.

An Unlikely Conversation

(written by Terry Herrin in a reply on Software Creations BBS)

Bart Id like to upgrade my Siamese to an Abyssinian.

Clerk Do you want a red or a tan Abby?

Bart I dunno. Is there a difference besides the color?

Clerk Well, the red one is faster, but costs quite a bit more. Personally, I dont think its worth it. The price/performance isnt as good as the tan one.

Bart Do you think I need that extra speed?

Clerk Depends on what youre getting it for. Any big dogs near your house?

Bart Yes.

Clerk Well then, youd better go ahead and get the red one. Unless you want to save money and get the tan. The tan is up-gradable to the red later. We offer our Red Dye Overdrive Kit for $100. Seventy percent increase in performance.

Bart Lets go with a tan one.

Clerk Ok. Thats gonna run you $400. What size litterbox do you have?

Bart 10×12 inches.

Clerk Youre gonna have to replace it with a bigger one.

Bart Why?

Clerk A Siamese litterbox wont handle the demands of an Abby. You need at least a 14×16.

Bart Okay, how much is that gonna cost?

Clerk $20. Youre also gonna need a second water bowl.

Bart I am?

Clerk An Abby tends to run hotter than a Siamese. A second water bowl will keep the cat from overheating. Only $10.

Bart Ill take it.

Clerk You werent planning on putting that Abby in the same carrier as the Siamese, were you?

Bart Uh … yeah.

Clerk Not a good idea. The Abby might not fit, and even if it does youd probably want a bigger carrier for better air circulation.

Bart How much?

Clerk $100.

Bart Okay. Boy, Im almost buying a whole new cat setup.

Clerk Well, you can still use the same brushes, shampoo and cat toys.

Bart True. So, what do I do with the Siamese?

Clerk We dont take trade-ins. Maybe you can sell it.