This story is an old one, popular with zoo veterinarians (Im told).

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla–
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to
have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring
that may result from this union.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third? Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90s

OLD—————NEW

conservative–reactionary

the establishment–white power elite

hearing person–temporarily aurally abled

sighted person–temporarily visually abled

blind–visually challenged

mute–vocally challenged

deaf–aurally challenged

dead–metabolically different

alive–temporarily metabolically abled

ugly–aesthetically challenged

fat–gravitationally challenged

heavy-set–people of mass

rude–politically correct

psychopath–socially misaligned

crooked–ethically challenged

klutzy–kinesthetically challenged

bald–follicularly challenged

short–differently statured

non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

white male–oppressor

black–african-american

asian–asian-american

afro-american–african-american

minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population

black–person of color

Chicano–person of color

weird green freak–person of color

female–person of gender

drooling drunk idiot–person on floor

group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color

Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.

woman–womyn

women–wymin

girl–pre-womyn

man–oppressor

boy–oppressor-to-be

pregnancy–parasitic oppression

janitor–sanitation engineer

disabled car-mechanically challenged car

dish washer–utensil sanitizer

dairy–where cows are raped

ranch–where cattle are murdered

egg ranch–where hens are raped

biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies

fishing–raping the oceans

farming– exploiting mother earth

nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority

paper bag– processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80s/90s

deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

fat/big boned/alternative body image

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, I got a suggestion thats sure to help.

Tell me, Tell me! said the young dude.

Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

You damn betcha, said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?

Yeah – Ifn you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gunll slide out a lot smoother.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

You damn betcha.

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?

One more thing, said the old timer. Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.

The fellow didnt hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

No, no, the whole gun, said the graybeard. Handle and everything.

Will that make me a better gunfighter?

Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, hes gonna shove that gun up your ass and this way it wont hurt so much.

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy-lube, stroke, console, bark, purr,hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, Reddi-Whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while shes puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, Krazy Glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it all over again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:

Blow job.

Man: Do you serve breakfast here?

Waitress: Sure, whatll it be?

Man: Let me have watery scrambled eggs … some burnt toast … and some weak coffee, lukewarm.

Waitress: Whatever you say, sir.

Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through.

Waitress: Why – no , sir.

Man: Then sit here and nag me awhile … Im feeling homesick.

Theres these three guys and theyre out having a relaxing day fishing.
Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesnt believe it,
and says:

Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q.
The mermaid says: Done.

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it
with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid:
Triple my I.Q.. The mermaid says: Done.

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that
have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry,
etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to
the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q. The mermaid looks at him and says: You
know, I normally dont try to change peoples minds when they make a wish,
but I really wish youd reconsider. The guy says: Nope, I want you to
increase my I.Q. times five, and if you dont do it, I wont set you free.
Please, says the mermaid You dont know what youre asking…itll
change your entire view on the universe…wont you ask for something
else…a million dollars, anything? But no matter what the mermaid said, the
guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So
the mermaid sighed and said: Done.

And he became a woman.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?

That would suit me just fine he replied.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.

Veamos como se afectan los mensajes mientras bajan por la línea de autoridad.

Del director general al gerente:

El viernes próximo, alrededor de las 5 de la tarde, aparecerá el cometa Halley en esta zona. Se trata de un evento que ocurre cada 76 años. Por favor, reúna a todos los trabajadores en el patio de la fabrica, con cascos de seguridad, que allí les explicaré el fenómeno. Si estuviera lloviendo no podremos ver este raro espectáculo a ojo descubierto. En tal caso, todos deberán dirigirse al comedor donde se exhibirá un documental sobre dicho cometa.

Del gerente al director de recursos humanos:

Por orden del Director General, el viernes a las 5 de la tarde aparecerá sobre la fabrica, si llueve, el cometa Halley. Reúna a todo el personal con cascos de seguridad y llévelos al comedor, donde tendrá lugar un raro fenómeno que sucede cada 76 años a ojo desnudo.

Del director de recursos humanos al gerente de personal:

A solicitud del Director General, el científico Halley, de 76 años de edad, aparecerá desnudo en el comedor de la fábrica el próximo viernes a las 5 de la tarde usando un casco de seguridad; pues será presentado un documental sobre el problema de la lluvia y el Director hará una demostración en el patio de la empresa.

Del gerente de personal al jefe de turno:

El viernes a las 5 de la tarde, el Director aparecerá en el comedor, por primera vez en 76 años, para presentar el documental Halley, desnudo, junto al famoso científico y su equipo. Todos deben presentarse con casco de seguridad porque el documental tratará sobre protección en condiciones de lluvia.

Del jefe de turno al jefe de brigadas:

Todos, sin excepción, deben presentarse desnudos con los agentes de seguridad de la fabrica, en el patio de la misma, este viernes a las 5 de la tarde. El Director vendrá acompañado de Halley, un artista muy famoso, y su grupo, que mostrarán el documental Bailando bajo la lluvia. En caso de que en verdad llueva, hay que irse al comedor usando cascos de seguridad. Esto ocurre cada 76 años.

Aviso en el mural:

EL VIERNES EL DIRECTOR GENERAL CUMPLE 76 AÑOS, POR LO CUAL SE DARÁ LA TARDE LIBRE A TODO EL MUNDO, SIN EXCEPCIÓN, PARA LA FIESTA QUE TENDRÁ LUGAR EN EL COMEDOR A LAS 5 DE LA TARDE CON EL GRUPO HALLEY Y SUS COMETAS. TODOS DEBEN IR DESNUDOS Y USANDO CONDONES DE SEGURIDAD, PORQUE LLOVERÁ Y SE VA A FORMAR UNA TREMENDA GOZADERA EN EL PATIO DE LA FÁBRICA.