Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.



The doctor said Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.



The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.

He said, I havent won any prizes, but Ive started free clinics and helped those in need for free. St. Peter let him in.



The third doctor said, Im responsible for all the HMOs across the United States.



St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, OK…

Ill let you in, but only for three days!

Law of Cat Inertia



A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.



Law of Cat Motion



A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.



Law of Cat Magnetism



All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.



Law of Cat Thermodynamics



Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.



Law of Cat Stretching



A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.



Law of Cat Sleeping



All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.



Law of Cat Elongation



A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.



Law of Cat Obstruction



A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.



Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.



Law of Dinner Table Attendance



Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.



Law of Rug Configuration



No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.



Law of Obedience Resistance



A cats resistance varies in proportion to a humans desire for her to do something.



First Law of Energy Conservation



Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.



Second Law of Energy Conservation



Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.



Law of Refrigerator Observation



If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.



Law of Electric Blanket Attraction



Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.



Law of Random Comfort Seeking



A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.



Law of Bag/Box Occupancy



All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.



Law of Cat Embarrassment



A cats irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.



Law of Milk Consumption



A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.



Law of Furniture Replacement



A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.



Law of Cat Landing



A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.



Law of Fluid Displacement



A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.



Law of Cat Disinterest



A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.



Law of Pill Rejection



Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.



Law of Cat Composition



A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesnt Matter.

Beer Belly – A gas tank for a sex machine.

When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is Bubba.

4. Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…

1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.

Michaelangelo was painting the Sistine Chapel, and rather bored, when an old women came in to pray. As no-one else was around he decided to have a little fun.

Woman, this is Jesus, he said.

No response.

Woman, I am Jesus Christ! he called.

No response.

Hey, Lady…

Shut up you, Ima talka to your mama!

starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

Im not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

Im just a little slort of sheep

Im not drunk like tinkle peep

I dont know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world, Clinton said. Today, the United States must finally stand up and say Enough. It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of Es, will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

My God, I do not think we can last another day, Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one E. Please. Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of Ls, Ss and Ts.

A large billboard at an intersection near me has carried this message for the past week:

Dont make me come down there!

– God

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. Where have you been? asked the man. I cant believe you left me down there! I couldnt get the tailgate open!