Old and New Jokes

Heres a very old joke we like to tell in England i hope you like it:

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Why the long face?

Woman golfer lines up on the first tee. Slices it badly and she hears a guy wailing pitifully off by the side of the tee and when she looks at him in horror hes doubled over with his hands tightly clenched together over his crotch.

She dashes over, apologizing profusely. Im so sorry, she says, its OK, Im a nurse. I know what to do.

She gently undoes the mans fly (who converts his wailing to a whimper) and begins to stroke his todger.

There, there. she says, Does that feel better?

The guys eyes are still watering but he says, Sure, but shit… my thumbs still killing me!

Your mama is like a vaccum she sucks, blows, then gets thrown in the closet.

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that shes low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While shes pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying…

A little more to the left…a little more to the right

I just thought these up:

Death is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– A Matter of Life and Death

A strip club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– Striptease

Sex is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– (Quite a number of movies)

And my favorite …

Creating life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– Jurassic Park

A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, I want my 20 lakhs.

The man replied, No, sir. It doesnt work that way. We give you one lakh
today and then youll get the rest spread
out for the next 19 weeks.

The Sardar said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want
it.

Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest
during the next 19 weeks.

The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, Look, I want my money! If
youre not going to give me my 20 lakhs right
now, then I want my five rupees back!

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…

Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

— Songs of Cesium #76

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means theres going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You dont have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.""Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "youre just lazy.""Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."