Old and New Jokes

…when she goes on the scales it says One at a time please

A la hora del recreo, Jaimito se acerca a Pepito; éste se le queda viendo, aparta su lonchera y le pega a su compañero. En eso, la maestra se acerca a Pepito y le reprende:

¡Pepito! ¿Por qué le pegaste a Jaimito?

Porque él me lambió mi galleta.

La maestra le corrige:

Pepito, no se dice me lambió, se dice me lamió

¡Ah, si me la mea lo mato!

Why is a sperm whale called a sperm whale?



Because a seaman discovered it.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

Whats it about? he asked.



I dont know, she replied. I cant read.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?

From the Daily Collegian:

Stockholm, Sweden – In an embarrassing admission, Defense Ministry analysts say many signals detected by their navys high-tech buoys – and thought to be foreign submarines – were just the sounds of swimming minks.

The report – coming after the military conceded that an animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt in the Baltic Sea last spring – was leaked to the Dagens Nyheter newspaper and published yesterday.

It said most of the suspicious sounds heard in the islands around Stockholm since the end of the Cold War were minks and other mammals swishing and splashing as they searched for food. Minks, about the size of cats, are plentiful on the islands. They usually feed on the surface, but sometimes dive for crayfish on the bottom.

Q: Why did the mathemetician join a buddhist cult?
A: Because he had a transcendental experience

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one
night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, My friends, I would
like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place
one hand on top of your TV, and the other hand on the part of your body
which ails you and I will heal you.

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one
hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top
of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, Ernest, he is talking about healing the sick,
not raising the dead.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $

5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He marries…….. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The one with the largest breasts!