Old and New Jokes

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, Who wrote this?!

¡Compadre, en mi casa mando yo, y cuando digo: tengo hambre, me sirven de comer y cuando digo tráiganme el agua caliente, me la traen de inmediato!

Y para que quiere agua caliente?

¡No me diga que usted lava los platos con agua fría!

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.



The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.



The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Ralphs Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that youre certain youre finished with, you will need it instantly.

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where
the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble
and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his
bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear
life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like youve been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, Ohhh
God! He told me hed been saving up for 75 years… I thought he meant
his money!

At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting
in the sun, sipping iced tea.

Younger guy says – Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How
about it if you join me for a round of golf.

Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.

Well then, younger fellow asks how about a swim? It might be
just as refreshing as your iced tea there.

Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.
But if youre game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is
usually up for a game or two – you might want to play with him.

Younger fellow replies: Your only child I presume?

Rob Peck

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, WHAT??

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says, No, no, no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.