Old and New Jokes

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to kick you.

The Scotsman said, Keep the damn egg.

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

Why are men such jerks?

Its a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and its not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. Were just misunderstood.





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Why do men always have to ogle at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. Im fairly certain its some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.





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Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. Its much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.





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Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. Its actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.





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Why are men so uncommunicative?

Youd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.





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Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we dont actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. Its the old fashioned pride in a job well done thats missing in so much of the world nowadays.





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Why cant men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless were experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.





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Why cant men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.





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How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.





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Why cant men just say I love you?

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. Its not easy to admit to ones own character faults.





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Why do men say I love you when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Arent you special? Well, some men think its a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.





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What does it mean when men say I Love You?

1 Pleas 2 Im sorry for whatever i 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this 4 Huh? Im sorry; I w 5 What did I forget? This should buy m 6 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?





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Why doesnt my partner ever answer me?

We just simply dont have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Whats dumber than an [ethnic] building a house under water?

An [ethnic] trying to burn it down.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many
of them, that we can just throw them away… Saying that, he throws the pack
of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
lawyer through it…

Felix
(felix@ai.sri.com)

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, God Save The Queen, and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, Viva La France, and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, Remember the Alamo, and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

Oops. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I cant remember WHEN Ive been that drunk!

5 jews and a car go over a cliff why is this a problem?

3 mor could have fit in the car

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

   PAUL LYNDE: Hes out of town.

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie Whats The Matter With Helen? Who plays Helen?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-thats why they asked the question.

3. What are dual-purpose cattle good for that other cattle arent?

   PAUL LYNDE: They give milk … and cookies, but I dont recommend the cookies.

4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

   PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: Ill lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

6. Robert Young recently stated, I never, never give … something to his fans who ask for it. What?

   PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.

7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was one of the best things I ever did. What was it?

   MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.

8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

   PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?

    CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?

    PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.

12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.

    CHARLEY WEAVER:This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

13. Youre on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?

    PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

14. If youre going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

    CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

15. Do female frogs croak?

    PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

16. Youve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

    DON KNOTTS: Thats whats been keeping me awake.

17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?

    PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.

18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.

    PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

    PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.

20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?

    PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Russian took the Jew and threw him out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.