Old and New Jokes

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear or nose).
4. BURGACIDE (burg uh side) n. When a hamburger cant take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, Do you work here?
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when youre only six inches away.
    

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. My fathers an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, hell go out to the alley with some guy and do nasty things with him for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, Is that really true about your father? No, said David, He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since
it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the
water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than
his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY
congregation, its my face they would recognize.

The exhausted clerk had pulled down blanket after blanket from the shelf, but still the woman customer was not satisfied.

There is one more blanket left, said the clerk. Do you care to see it?

Im not going to buy one today, said the woman. I have only been looking for a friend.

Well, said the clerk,Ill take the last one down if you think your friend might be in it.

A couple of definitions from the Devils Dictionary:

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on the train, he went straight to the ticket-man and said, Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but Im very tired and Im sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is to wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here are 100 francs for the favor.

He continued by saying, But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent; but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?

So the ticket-man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep … and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt!

He was so mad at the ticket-man that he ran over and started yelling: Are you STUPID or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up and get me off at Mannheim. And you didnt! I want my money back!

While the man was yelling, two other guys who were also on the train were looking at them.

One looked at the other and said Jeez, that guy is really pissed off!

The other replied, Yeah. Hes almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train at Mannheim last night.

REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN



1. A guitar has a volume knob

2. If you break a guitars G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one

3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to

4. You can unplug a guitar

5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more

6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset

7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested

8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care

9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.

10. If your guitar doesnt make sounds you like, you can return it

11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar

12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set

13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking

14. If you scratch a guitars back, its unintentional, not required

15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free

16. Its good to have a guitar thats stretched out.

17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.

18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.

19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.

20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.

21. A guitar doesnt take half of everything you own when you sell it.



REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS



1. Women are more fun when the power goes out

2. You cant get your guitar wet

3. Ever try to screw a guitar?

4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4

5. A guitar wont beg to be played

6. Its no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it

7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue

8. Guitars arent very aggressive

9. A guitar wont play you back

10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream

11. A guitar wont scratch *your* back

12. A guitar wont drive you home if youre too drunk

13. A guitar doesnt care who plays it

14. You cant play two guitars at once

15. You cant fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they cant love you back)

16. Its a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.

17. Guitar lessons arent free and arent as much fun.

18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.

19. You cant marry a rich guitar.

20. Even a good guitar wont usually last a whole lifetime.

21. Guitars dont taste very good.

22. A guitar wont give you head.

Definitions of A Diplomat:

Always knows what to talk about, but doesnt always talk about what he knows.

Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

Can always make himself misunderstood.

Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.

Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.

Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.

Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

Can make nothing sound like something.

Can put his best foot forward when he doesnt have a leg to stand on.

Can put his foot down without stepping on someones toes.

Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

Can tell a man hes open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.

Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.

Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

Knows how far to go before he goes too far.

Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.

Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

Straddles an issue whenever he isnt dodging one.

Will approach every question with an open mouth.

Will lay down your life for his country.

Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, So, tell me, how was it?

Oh, it was beautiful, says the man. The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we –

His friend interrupts him. A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?

Oh, says the man, we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, Thats once. A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, Thats twice. After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didnt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride scolded him, That was an awful thing to do! The farmer said, Thats once.