Iba un jorobado con una borrachera del 15, calle abajo cantando la canción:

Madresita del alma querida, en mi pecho llevo una flor.

Y le grita una vecina de la ventana:

¿Y atrás que llevas? ¿La maceta?

En un parque hay dos estatuas, una de un hombre desnudo y otra de una mujer también desnuda. Las estatuas han estado allí, una frente a la otra, durante mas de cien años. Un día un ángel baja del cielo. Con un simple gesto les da vida a las dos estatuas y les dice:

Como recompensa por haber sido tan pacientes durante tantos años, habiendo tenido que soportar lluvias, tempestades y veranos ardientes, les concedo vida durante media hora para que hagan lo que se les ocurra.

El hombre y la mujer se miran y al instante ambos se van corriendo detrás de unos arbustos.

El ángel espera pacientemente mirando hacia los arbustos, los cuales se mueven agitadamente, mientras se escuchan risitas y otros sonidos. A los quince minutos regresan visiblemente cansados… pero muy contentos. El ángel, conmovido, le dice:

Les concedo quince minutos más. ¿Quieren volver a repetir lo que hicieron?

¿Tu que opinas, mujer?

¡Claro… por supuesto! ¡Vamos ya, pero cambiemos de posición! Esta vez tu sujetas a la paloma firmemente… ¡y yo le cago encima!

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. Whats the matter? asked his wife. Did I hurt you?



No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, shes playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! Hes going to be so angry if its not ready on time. And she dashes out of her friends house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!



Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm! And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!



Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.



Youre going to kill him, they say, or Hes just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.



Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. You killed him!



We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?



The wife stoically replied, Ahh, I didnt kill him. He fell off the mantle when he was licking his ass.

I woke early one morning,



The earth lay cool and still



When suddenly a tiny bird



Perched on my window sill,



He sang a song so lovely



So carefree and so gay,



That slowly all my troubles



Began to slip away.



He sang of far off places



Of laughter and of fun,



It seemed his very trilling,



brought up the morning sun.



I stirred beneath the covers



Crept slowly out of bed,



Then gently shut the window



And crushed his fucking head.



Im not a morning person.

Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever youre ready.

Dont sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!

Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they dont feel left out.

The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone elses desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.

Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if theyre busy.

The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. Its your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.

To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a Do No Disturb sign. When other people use them theyre only joking.

Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think youve got something to hide.

If the phone isnt answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.

Never divert calls if youre leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.

Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that youre still there.

If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.

Yup!
Then go and catch it! Har har har!

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blondes blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "Im trying to pop out this dent, but its not really working.""Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you, but there isnt enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave. The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave. More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasnt a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave. More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. Its now getting dark and its cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, Comrades, Im sorry to tell you this, but there isnt any meat. Go home.

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, See? Its like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susies dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

Where will you live? asked Susies dad, thinking this was cute.

Well, said Little Johnny, I figured I could just move into Susies room. Its plenty big for both of us.

And how will you live?

I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,

Susies dad asked, And what if little ones come along?

Well, said Little Johnny, weve been lucky so far!