Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
27
Oct
27
Oct
Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says,
Im Mother Nature, and I dont like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you wont be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, Hey, wheres your ball?
Its over here in the pussy willows.
She screams back, DONT HIT THE BALL!!!! DONT HIT THE BALL!!!!
27
Oct
Q: Whats the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
27
Oct
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one – a real SWEET POTATO whom they called YAM. They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry – no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldnt stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldnt associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho P.U. – thats Potato University – where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, shed really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldnt marry him because hes just a COMMON TATER!!!
27
Oct
You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!
27
Oct
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
27
Oct
This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?
Joe says, Well hell, whats the matter?
The Man says, Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out hes gay.
Joe says, Man thats terrible, and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar… He walks in and says, Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?
Joe says, Well hell, whats the matter this time?
The man says, Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HES gay.
Joe says, Man, thats a damn shame, and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!
Joe says, Geez, doesnt anyone in your family love women?
The man says, Yeah, I just found out my wife does…
27
Oct
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called the George Bush Watch and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says, It doesnt need hands. Youre supposed to read his lips.
He then looks at a watch called the Ross Perot Watch and notices that it isnt running – the sales clerk tells him it runs, it doesnt run, it runs, it doesnt run…
He then notices a watch called the Bill Clinton Watch and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies $19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax…
26
Oct
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thomas!
Thomas who?
Thomas happy fella!
26
Oct
Un gerente de una compañÃa petrolera tenÃa una reunion con los altos ejecutivos de la empresa.
La esposa del gerente le pide que la lleve a la reunión para aprender algo. El esposo se niega y le dice: Noooo, ¿estás loca? Esa es una reunión muy importante y tu no me representas, eres ordinaria, mal vestida, grosera e imprudente.
Anda papi, llévame por favor, yo me portaré bien.
No, no, no, te dije que no, yo no me voy a arriesgar contigo en esa reunión, tu eres muy indiscreta.
Anda, papito, llévame por favor, te juro que me arreglo bien y no voy a decir nada.
Ok, mujer, te voy a llevar pero ponte la peluca amarilla que te regalo tu mamá porque tu tienes ese pelo muy feo. Y recuerda que tienes que ser muy discreta.
La esposa muy contenta se arregla, se pone el mejor vestido y la peluca amarilla.
En la reunion habÃa una mesa muy larga. Los hombres estaban sentados de un lado y las mujeres del otro, y la esposa queda justo al frente de él.
Comienza la reunión y al cabo de unos minutos, la esposa se empieza a rascar suavemente la peluca detrás de la oreja, el esposo la vé y le dice en voz baja: Tienes que ser discreta.
Continúa la reunión y al poco tiempo la esposa continúa rascándose la peluca pero más fuertemente, el esposo la observa y le abre los ojos y le dice: ¿Que pasa? Te dije que fueras discreta.
La reunion continúa y la esposa empieza de nuevo a rascarse la peluca, pero esta vez con las dos manos, de una manera muy efusiva, se para de la silla como loca, mueve su cabeza para todos lados…
El esposo se altera, se levanta de la silla y gritando dice: ¡Pero bueno, mujer, que coño pasa contigo, te dije que tenÃas que tener discreción!
Ella también alterada le grita: ¡Que más discreta quieres que sea, si me está picando el papo y me estoy rascando la peluca!