12
Dec

Biggest Hard-on

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.

There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and Ive got to get to her NOW!

The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with you?

What the hell for? asks the other.

Because thats MY dick youre holding! he says.

12
Dec

Father – Son

One morning a son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, Son, where are you going?. The son replied, Im going to catch me some chickens.



The father said, Son, you cant catch chickens with chicken wire. But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand.



The father thought, I guess he knows what hes doing.



The next morning the son got up with some duck tape.



The father said, Son, where you going?.



The son replied, Im going to catch some ducks.



The father yelled, YOU CANT CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCK TAPE.



The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.



The father thought, Damn, I guess he does know what hes doing!



The next morning the son got up with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, hold up son, let me put on my shoes.!!

12
Dec

The Jewish civilization is 6000

The Jewish civilization is 6000 years old, and the Chinese
civilization is 4000 years old. What is the significance of these
facts?

For 2000 years, the Jews had to do their own shirts.

12
Dec

I know what Victorias Secret

I know what Victorias Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
30 can fit into their stuff.

12
Dec

Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies

All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing… ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, itll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.

Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.

Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans NEVER make mistakes while operating computers under stress.

Any photograph can have minute details digitally pulled out of it; you can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

12
Dec

Mental patient well enough to be released

A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients to determine if they were well enough to be released.

He asked the first one: What is 3 times 3?

The patient answered: 111.

He asked the same question of the second patient and was told that the answer was Tuesday.

He told both that they werent healed and had to stay.

He asked the third one: What is 3 times 3?

The reply: 9.

Great!!! Youre cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew the answer?

The patient replied: Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!

11
Dec

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

11
Dec

Log On:

Log On: Makin the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Dont add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

11
Dec

Una pareja se conoce en

Una pareja se conoce en una discoteca. Al cabo de un rato el hombre propone:

¿Qué te parece si jugamos al mago?

¿Y cómo es eso?

Yo te echo unos polvos y… ¡Desapareces!

11
Dec

Yum Yum

Q:How do you make a Swiss roll?



A:you push them down the Alps.