Old and New Jokes

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year, s will replace the soft c.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard c will be dropped in favor of the k. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent es in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaiining ou and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip.

They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good.

But by two oclock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.

Business boomed!

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.9. Theyre not sure what season, or year it is.8. Theyre best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.5. Their fingers twitch all the time.4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.1. Someone is reading this to them, cause theyre too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

Not yet, replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…

Are you going to tell him, or should I?

The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, Dont touch me.

Why not, he asks. She answers back, Because Im dead.

The husband says to her, What are you talking about? Were both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.

The wife says, No, Im definitely dead.

Her husband insists, Youre not dead. What in the world makes you think youre dead?

His wife answers, I know Im dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!

Un mexicano fue a visitar a su compadre a Japón: ¡Compadrito! ¿Cómo le va? Bien, compadre, ¿y a usted? Muy bien, compadre, oiga qué secretaria tan buenota tiene. Pues ahí como la ve es una robot. ¿Una robot, pues cómo está eso? Mire, le aprieta un seno y toma dictado, le aprieta el otro y escribe a maquina; y eso no es todo, hace el amor mejor que cualquier mujer. No me diga… Si es una maravilla, si quiere se la presto.

El hombre se mete a la oficina de su compadre, y de repente se escuchan unos gritos desesperados. Aaaay, aaaaay, aaaaay… Entra el compadre y le dice: Perdóneme compadrito, se me olvidó decirle que por atrás es sacapuntas.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.



Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two?



St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.



Fine, but where should I go first?



Ill leave that up to you.



Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.



So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.



This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!



Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.



Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.



Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.



Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.



Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.



So Bill Gates went to Hell.



Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.



Hows everything going? he asked Bill.



Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? That was a demo, replied St. Peter.