Old and New Jokes

De los placeres sin pecar,

El más dulce es el cagar

Con un periódico extendido

Y un cigarrillo encendido:

Queda el culo complacido,

Y la mierda en el vacío.

Que triste es amar sin ser amado

Pero más triste es cagar sin haber hartado,

Hay cacas blancas por la hepatitis

Así como las hay blandas por la gastritis.

Cualquiera que sea la causa,

Que siempre te alcanza,

Aprieta las piernas duro

Que cuando el trozo es seguro,

Aunque esté bien fruncido el culo

Será por lo menos pedo seguro.

Cagar es un placer

De él nadie se escapa,

Caga el rey, caga el Papa

Caga la mujer más guapa.

Dont make a fool out of me – Im doing OK by myself!

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, Hey! Cut it out, all right!

The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, I said stop it!

The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies, Well, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

Old man frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A couple of days later the banker comes along and asks: How is our bull doing?

Frank says: Our bull isnt doing to good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he dont want nothing to do with them.

Banker says: You better call the vet.

Couple of days later banker comes along again. Hows our bull doing now.

Frank says: Plenty damn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence and is working on the neighbors cows!

Banker says, Wow! What did the vet give him?

Frank says: Gave him some pills.

Banker says: What kind of pills?

Frank says: I dont know but they tasted sort of like peppermint.

Confucius says:

Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

Heres a joke I appropriated from an old TV show:

Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a thief carrying several
credit cards with Mrs. Johnsons name on them.

Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.

Police: But dont you want your credit cards back?

Mr. Johnson: No. Hes been spending only about half as much as
Mrs. Johnson.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!

Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.