Whats the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to
children,the other is used to carry your
shopping home!
02
May
02
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
02
May
25. If you havent done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
02
May
I often wonder how come John Tesh isnt as popular a singer as some people
think he should be.
Then, I remember its because he sucks.
02
May
The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue.
A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.
The inspector noticed a string hanging from the cooks fly and asked What is the string for?
The cook replied, When I go to the bathroom, I do not have to touch it, I just pull it out with the string.
Oh how neat, replied the inspector, how do you get it back in?
The cook responded With the salad tongs.
01
May
01. I can see your point, but youre still full of crap.
02. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronouce.
03. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isnt and office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
And heres a bonus funny from: Siglets.com
Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…
01
May
A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?
The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?
The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?
The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.
The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!
01
May
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
01
May
Q: How can you tell if another blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres writing on the white-out.
01
May
AS THEY GET OLD…
– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
– Old investors never die, they just roll over.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.
– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
– Old students never die, they just get degraded.
– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.
– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.