A black man is dying of thirst in the desert when he finds a gennie in a bottle.
The gennie grants him three wishes.
He says First I want a lot of water, Second I want to be white,
and third I want a lot of pretty naked women to sit on me
When he came to he was a toliet at the Waldorf Astoria.
You might be a redneck if…
People are scared to touch your wifes bathrobe.
You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.
You might be a redneck if…
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people, their last names have been withheld.
> Date: 5/27/94 10:02 AM
> To: Jim
> From: Jodi
> If you plan to attend Sharons luncheon, please let me
> know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices
> are:
>
> –Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with
> rice pilaf
> –Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked
> potato
> –Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
> with rice pilaf
> OR
> –Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a
> light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with
> fresh brocolli
>
> Thanks! Jodi
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. Im deciding what
to order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them
to lead it in on a rope and I want it to moo when I bite into it. I
dont want anybody I know to see me eating rice pilaf or chicken
Fresco. In fact I dont want anybody who knows anybody I know to
see me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and
potatoes by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want
Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to
think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave wages and
making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it
served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so
soiled when were done that it cant even be used for rags. I want a
meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone
to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want
some of us to discover that the person weve mumbled at as weve
passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several
people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a
disciplinary memo sent down from the directors office in the wake
of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the
Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I want media
coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and
others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before
and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want
Sharon to change her mind and stay.
Thats what I REALLY want. I just KNOW youre going to tell me I
cant have it. So Ill get back to you with my food order.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Holland!
Holland who?
Holland you going to make me wait out here!
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.
She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.
The stewardess comes over and says maam your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The stewardess says you must move to the coach area.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says maam you must move to coach.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.
The captain comes over and says maam your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area.
The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.
The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.
All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.
The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain What did you say to her?
The captain says I told her first class wasnt going to Chicago.
El marido sale del baño desnudo y empieza a subir a la cama, cuando su mujer se queja diciendo como siempre:
Tengo dolor de cabeza.
Perfecto, casualmente estaba en el baño espolvoreándome el pene con aspirina. La puedes tomar oral o como supositorio… ¡cómo tu quieras!
Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper
Honk, if you havent had sex with Bill Clinton
A man traveling by airplane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he used the attendants LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of NOT listening to a women, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services! So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Remover button.
By the way, your penis is under your pillow.