So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds. I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck, not a-ROMANTIC duck.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didnt do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. Boss, he said, The pill actually worked!

Thats all fine said the boss.

But where were you yesterday?

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy?

Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am, replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

Ive never been on a ranch so Im not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women, told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy?

Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that Im a lesbian!

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray, the priest said. No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.Youre both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted, The best prayin I ever did was when I was hangin upside down from a telephone pole.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marvin!
Marvin who?
Marvin I wonderful!

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesnt work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?



Of course not, dear, replied the mother, Why would you think that?



The tombstone back there said…

Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!! Well, what did you say?! cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaughs chauffeur and Id just killed the pig.

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow. The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.