Old and New Jokes

Helen Waite is our credit manager.

If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that shed sworn off men for life.

They lie, they cheat, and theyre just no damn good, she moaned. From now on, when I want sex, Im going to use my tried and tested plastic companion, she said.

What happens when the batteries run out? asked her friend.

Thats simple, replied the blonde. Ill just fake an orgasm as usual.

Husband: Lets go out and have some fun tonight.

Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

[ True story ]

A friend of mine and his boss went boating a few weeks ago, and they
decided to go look at some of the well-known landmarks in the
Chesapeake.

Well, they were getting near one of them and the boat ran aground.
Unable to back it out, they finally had to get out and push. While
they were doing this, an employee at the site came out and watched,
and the hapless boaters explained that theyd been looking at the
landmark when they got stuck. This exchange followed:

Employee: Sir, do you know what this is?

Boater: A lighthouse.

Employee: Why do you think its here?

Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:

By Paul Maddox

Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.
Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.
Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam free.
Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably dont have the right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them – hahaha)
Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream in their face.
Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)
Play in the airlock.
If theyre studying you, make cow noises.
Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.
Step on their feet.

The word of the day is LEGS, lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Lets name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

Id like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Was your daddy a baker? Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

Un hombre iba caminando por una calle y ve un hombre sentado en el suelo, con un cartel que decía soy ciego. A su lado el ciego tenia un tachito; entonces este hombre le tira una moneda, que pega en el borde y se cae. El ciego agarra la moneda y la pone en el tacho. El hombre se da cuenta de que este hombre no es ciego y le empieza a decir:

-Usted es un ladrón, no es ciego, ladrón.

-Yo no soy un ladrón, el ciego esta enfermo y lo estoy reemplazando.

-¿Y usted quien es?

-Yo soy el mudo de la otra cuadra.

Two blokes are in a bar on top of the Empire State Building. One says to the other You know, if you jump off of this building you get sucked in at the 10th floor. The other one laughs and says No way, man. Prove it

The first guy agrees and they both go to the edge. He jumps off and whoof! He gets sucked in at the 10th floor. When he gets back to the top the second guy, standing in shock, says I dont believe it! Let me try.

So the second guy jumps off and splat! He falls to his death. The first guy goes back into the bar. When he gets back there, the bartender tuts and says You know Superman, you can be a real bastard when your drunk!

Nothing can be done in one trip.

Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.