Old and New Jokes

How do you define a Jewish delemma?

Free ham.

(Disclaimer–Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head *Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to “spice up” your takeout * *Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. *When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say “I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop.”*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book. *Ask if his bullet-proof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy-ride. *When he ask you for your licence say, “Oh sure officer, I could reach it if youd hold my beer.” *Explain speeding with, “See officer, I was driving along when I droped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal.”*Lie on the ground and aks him to draw your outline in chalk. *Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate. *Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that “with 10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents.” *Pay all ticket fines with pennies. *Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and yell, “Ive got one too!” *Say to him, “Dont chek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scouts honor.” *When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were going to Dunkin Donuts and you know hell understand.*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down while looking amazed that it does that. *Ask him what he is doing out so late.*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers *Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.*Throw the cops nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch. *Tell him that the wee little leprechans made you do it. *Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to open it,then unlocking it when he looks away.Repeat this several times.*Paint flames on the side of his squad car. *Paint flames on the side of his uniform.*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter “If I dont see you I cant get a ticket.”*Throw cans of Spam at him.*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your hands on his hood. *Say to him “Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!” *Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was off causing Philbins law to take effect… *Tell him he shouldve been on a pony so you couldve outran him.* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying a word and breathe in and out very loudly. * When he ask you to walk the straight line, “Riverdance” instead. * When he ask you to say your alphabet backwords count backwards from ten instead.*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges.*Keep his pen. *If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept. *Say “Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands dont hurt yet.”*Instead of pleading the fifth admendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a nightstick. Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me.
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our companys training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the pedagogical approach used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR directors office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldnt stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word pedagogical circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she cant get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?2. Border Collie: Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I cant reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: Ill change it as soon as Ive led these people from the dark, check to make sure I havent missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb? 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .. 13. Greyhound: It isnt moving. Who cares? 14. Australian Shepherd: First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle … 15. Poodle: Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Cats Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage? ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual,
those crooks deducted $95.00.

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact while Ive been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. What kind of medicine is this? Im still farting just as much? They still dont make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded, Its alright, now that we have your sinus cleared up, well work on your hearing next!

Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.

Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, Nope, I dont think Id like that kind of punishment. So they go on to the next room.

There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, hes lowered again. uh-uh! says Clinton. Thats not for me.

Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says OK, if I have to be punished forever, Ill go for that way.

Satan says, Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!

Dos compadres estaban pescando muy tranquilamente en el río; en eso, pasa una carroza fúnebre y uno de los amigos se quita su gorra y hace una cruz en su pecho.

Eso fue conmovedor, compadre, no sabía que una parte de usted era así.

Bueno, compadre, qué esperaba, estuve 40 años casado con ella.