Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, Are you all right? No, I lost an electron! Are you sure? Yeah, Im positive!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Leos dont change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while theyre out.
En su primer viaje como piloto de avión, Venancio presencia la muerte de su capitán de vuelo a consecuencia de un paro cardiaco.
Una vez cerciorado de que el capitán está bien muerto, Venancio se comunica con la torre de control:
¡Jolines, acá Venancio pidiendo contacto con alguna torre de control!
Aca torre de control, dÃganos que sucede.
¡Pues naa que mi capitán se ha muerto y necesito indicaciones para aterrizar esta nave!
Ok, primero dÃganos su altura y posición para proceder al aterrizaje.
Después de unos segundos de silencio Venancio contesta, Bueno, mi altura es de 1.68 mts y mi posición es acá a un ladito del muertito!!!
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
1956, was his immediate reply.
No wonder you look so uptight! she exclaimed. Honey, you need to get out more.
Im not sure I understand you, he answered, glancing at his watch. Its only 2014 now.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Fancy company has a party and rents the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. Late in the evening, somebody notices a wallflower standing by himself by an open window. He walks over. Guy: Hi! Keeping to yourself? Wallflower: Oh, hi. No, Im just examining the wind patterns here. I think I have them figured out. If I took a running jump out there, I believe that the updraft would lift me back up and eventually deliver me back here. Guy: Eh, can I get you a drink? Would you like to come back to the bar? Wallflower: No. Ive made the calculations, so I have to try it! Before the guy can stop him, the wallflower takes a running leap out of the 112th floor window. Guy gapes out, and sees wallflower hovering in the updraft, then slowly rising back up to be deposited in the window again. Wallflower: Ill take that drink now, if you dont mind. Guy: That was freakin amazing! Think I could do it? Wallflower: Sure. Just run at it quickly so you get about fifteen feet out, and youll be back here in no time. Guy slugs away at his bourbon, then launches himself out the window.
Several seconds go by before the inevitable, quiet splat. The bartender comes over, picks up the empty glasses, says: You wanna know something? You are one mean drunk, Superman…
Yo mamas so fat when she gets out of bed in New York she sets off the seismographs in California.
There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.
Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady,
There aint hardly no justice in this world.
The other little old lady asked, What do you mean by that?
Well, the first lady said, When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat !
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose … its how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** Its not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying youre never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful… magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Cant he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now whos being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: Thats because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ***** Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Barts a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to that… building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is. ***** Operator! Give me the number for 911! ***** Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him Im going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I wont be back for ten minutes! ***** Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why youre here? Homers brain: Dont say revenge. Dont say revenge. Homer: Ummm… revenge? Homers brain: Okay, thats it. Im outta here. (step step step step step…slam) ***** Homer: Okay, brain. You dont like me, and I dont like you, but lets get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homers Brain: Its a deal! ***** Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ***** Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and youd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ***** Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, thats bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: Thats good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: Thats bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: Thats good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate… Homer: (confused look) Old man: Thats bad. Homer: Can I go now? ***** Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say youre prejudiced against all races. ***** Homers brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homers brain: Okay, dont use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ***** Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie — Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy. ***** Marge: Homer, did you call the audience Chicken? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: Thats not a bible. Thats a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy. ***** Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the cars okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ***** Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat… ***** (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). ***** Whats the point of going out? Were just going to wind up back here anyway.
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.