Old and New Jokes

WhatÕs black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?

An [ethnic] electrician.

Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus companys claim that versions
of Internet Explorer 3.0 and above possess another hole in security by
calling the feature in question a design thing, not a bug.

alt.sex.lesbian.steel_workers
alt.aviation.kamikazi.pilots
alt.sex.gay.policemen
alt.sex.straight_actors_guild
alt.aviation.hang_gliders.quadraplegic
comp.os.win95.happy_users
alt.military.deutchland.ss.former.hit-squad.members
alt.religion.jewish.oversexed.girls
alt.justice.free.charles.manson
alt.medical.proctologist.talk

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why dont we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, its worked for over 200 years, and were not using it anymore.

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS – I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense:

I dont hate Windows – it runs great under OS/2!
Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95?!?!?!?
Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!
#1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!!
– Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
.. Bugs come in through open Windows.
..Windows NT Performance, on the next In Search Of
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
Air conditioned environment – Do not open Windows.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Bugs come in through Open Windows
Chernobyl used Windows
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
Error 15 – Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #F99 – CPU too tired to continue…
Error Loading Windows : (A)bort (R)etry (B)oot
WINDOWS ERROR #004: Operator fell asleep while waiting.
Windows 95 = 95% done. Better wait till 1999.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I…
Friends encourage friends to use Windows – under OS/2!
Get OS/2 2.0 – The best Windows tip around!
HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!
Having Windows problems? Dial 1-800-3-IBM-OS2 for fast relief!
He whom opens thee Windows invites the bugs in
How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
I dont do Windows, but OS/2 does.
If all else fails, you must still be using Windows.
If at first you dont succeed, you must be using Windows.
Microsoft gives you Windows… OS/2 gives you the whole house.
MS Windows — From the people who brought you EDLIN!
One mans Windows are another mans walls…
OS/2 2.1: Taking the wind out of Windows.
OS/2 is not about fixing old Windows, but opening new doors.
OS/2: Opens Windows, Shuts up GATES…
OS/2: Windows with bullet-proof glass.
Please call the windows police. Ive caught another gpf.
The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.
This tagline does not require Micro$oft Windows.
Turn your 486 into an XT–just add Windows!
Welcome to Hell! Heres your copy of Windows!
Why look thru Windows? Open the door to the future: OS/2
Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE]
Windows Error: 004 – Operator fell asleep while waiting
Windows is *NOT* a virus. Viruses *DO* something!
Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done.
Windows is the best GUI – It always sticks!
Windows isnt CrippleWare — its Functionally Challenged.
Windows NT Performance, on the next In Search Of
Windows NT: Only 16 megs needed to play Minesweeper!
Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
Windows only crashes itself under OS/2. Not the whole machine.
Windows punts, OS/2 receives. Touchdown!
Windows tip: set BUGS=OFF in your config.sys
Windows would look better with curtains.
Windows-Brain Dead, OS/2-for people who can chew gum and think!
Windows: The answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
Windows: Training wheels for OS/2
Windows: A problem to a solution that was never needed.
Windows: An answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: XT emulator for an AT.
Windows? WINDOWS?! Hahahahahehehehehohohoho…
WindowsNT: From the makers of Doublespace
Yuk, what kind of dumb menu system is that? Oh, so that is Windows!
Chicago only promises what OS/2 DELIVERS!
Chicago runs best on a VCR.
Chicago, an operating system Pair-of-Dimes shift!
Chicago… The biggest thing since New Coke!
Chicago: NT deja vu!
Chicago? Been There,… Done That 2 Years Ago! I run OS/2!
Chicago? Been there. Im ready to travel at WARP speed!
640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981
I believe OS/2…to be the most important OS…of all time Gates 87
OS/2 is destined to be the most important OS. . . Bill Gates
OS/2 is the operating system of the 90s – Bill Gates
Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
B.Gates : quality software :: R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine
If you cant make it good, make it LOOK good. …Bill Gates.
It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it! –Bill Gates
OS/2: Opens Windows, Shuts up GATES…
Does Microsoft mean small and limp?
If at first you dont succeed, work for Microsoft.
Microsoft gives you Windows… OS/2 gives you the whole house.
The Microsoft Motto: Were the leaders, wait for us!
MS-DOS: celebrating ten years of obsolescence

Looking for a good place to party on Halloween? Check out these houses!

Bloomington, Indiana

Name: Indiana University

Location: unknown

This building, now used for administrative purposes, was once a stop on the Underground Railroad. Today, there are many reports of African spiritual songs emanating from the basement.

Elletsville, Indiana

Name: Stepp Cemetery

Location: Morgan-Monroe forest

In this cemetery that is only accessible by foot, during midnight, an apparition of a lady appears on a rock that resembles a chair. On Halloween, many cult groups venture to this place to conduct ceremonies.

Evansville, Indiana

Name: The Gray Lady

Location: Willard Library – First Ave.

When this building was an abandoned train station, many drifters and hobos used it for shelter. During that time, a woman was murdered on the premises, and it is said that she still haunts the building. Her presence is most often felt in the childrens library, and there are many reports of smelling her perfume on Halloween.

Birmingham, Alabama

Name: Parkwood Apartments

Location: 4th Ave. South

During the 1970’s, these apartments were the site of a multiple homicide. In January on the anniversary of the deaths, it is said that the stench of burning human flesh is pungent. It is also said that blood appears to ooze from the upstairs foyer. There is even one report of a woman feeling fingers caress her neck and bosom on the anniversary of the murders. Many believe the apparition to be that of the killer – he was never found.

Driggs Community, Arkansas

Name: Small white house

Location: Unknown

Allegedly, this house is haunted by a very unhappy alcoholic. It is said that there are strange noises coming from the wall. There have also been reports of large pieces of furniture moving across the floor without an explanation. On one occasion an elderly woman was attacked by the air as she was walking to the bathroom. She suffered several bruises but sustained no major injuries.

Orange, California

Name: House

Location: a few blocks from the Crystal Cathedral

This house is alleged to have a haunted bathroom. It is said that late one night a woman was home alone and decided to use the restroom. On the toilet, she saw a smallish looking person. It is also reported that late one night, sounds that appeared to be water dripping euphoniously came from the restroom. When it was checked, there were no leaky faucets. No one seems to know why the bathroom is haunted.

Hot Sulfur Springs, Colorado

Name: Stage Coach Country Inn

Location: Outside of Granby

This Bed and Breakfast is reported to have many phantoms both adult and adolescent. It is said that objects in room actually move from place to place before peoples very eyes. There have been reports of unexplained noises and very heavy footsteps in the middle of the night. Many others have reported waking up in an ice cold room (when the heater is one) and finding unexplained bruises covering their bodies. Lastly, there are reports of walls actually fading in and out, as if ghosts are trying to break through. (Why would ghosts need to break through a wall? Theyre ghosts, they can walk through them!)

Simsbury, Connecticut

Name: none

Location: 15 Whitcomb Rd.

A tobacco farmer, the former owner of this house was killed by an employee while smoking a cigar. It is said that he now haunts the house; he moves objects, turns the shower on and off and even swings in the childrens swingest.

Miami, Florida

Name: Curtis Mansion

Location: Deer Run

During the times when Miami was a rapidly growing city, a man and his wife built this house, and used half of it to use as a daycare facility. The man loved children and when he found at that his wife had had an abortion, he was furious. His rage was powerful, and he slaughtered all of the children in the daycare. In revenge, his wife burned the house down, with him still inside. Today, there are many reports of lights turning on and off in the abandoned house, as well as ghosts playing tennis on the courts located on the property.

Albany, Goergia

Name: House

Location: South St.

This house is said to be haunted my an older, grizzly looking gentlemen. The apparition is not a mean one, however; it is said that he protects residents of the house and even saved one woman from an abusive boyfriend. The man is said to check in on the bedrooms of the residents at night and then return to his own room – the back bathroom.

Monmouth, Illinois

Name: Devils Road

Location: Just outside city limits

The road is marked by the sign of the devil-666-atop a dead end sign at the end of the street. Allegedly, the grim reaper stands in the middle of the road as cars approach. Just as the car is about to mow him over, the reaper puffs into a cloud of smoke. When the victims return the next day, burn marks tell exactly where the reaper appeared. Also on the road is Haunted Bridge. Legend says that young couple came around the curve too fast and fell of the bridge to a watery grave. It is alleged that if one stops their care on the bridge for any reason, they will be guided to safety off the bridge. Bare footprints have been reported on rainy nights. Many others have also put powdered sugar on their car and reported hand prints after leaving the bridge.

I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe Im the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over the years, or at least the U.S. has.

It is the asinine stupidity – and plain arrogance – of people that makes me sick. The District of Columbia is damn near so bankrupt it would be 30c short of a quarter. The Financial Control Board gave a timid order to Mayor-for-life Marion Snort,Snort Barry to cut 6,000 city employees.

Washington is so obscenely overstaffed that the number of people that should be cut from its payroll is more like 60,000! This isnt cutting the payroll, this is giving it a manicure! People are practically calling this near-nothing cutback a meat axe approach!

All the while the city goes deeper into red ink. Im thinking, when the city does go into Chapter 9 bankruptcy (used for cities that go bankrupt), maybe I should submit my own application as receiver in order to fix the problem. But, since I *do* know how to fix the problem, NOBODY is going to want me to do the job! They dont want the problem fixed, they just want it to go away but without having to do what is needed to fix it!

It is this kind of rank ignorance and out-and-out arrogant avoidance of the truth that has sometimes made me consider becoming a terrorist, and fight to stop the injusticices of the world. Except that terrorism is for political ends, theres really not much money available to be made in terrorism, mostly people use it to win freedom for someone in some jail.

I have to make a living, I cant afford to be a terrorist! Until one day, I got an idea.

Anyone wants to get in on this, I think it would be fun and very profitable, almost as much fun as when I was Junta Leader of the Humor list and had summary excutions of people who didnt pay big enough bribes.

Im thinking of someone that we could kidnap that is so valuable that there would be fundraisings in the streets to raise money to keep us from carrying out what we would do if the money isnt raised.

So heres my plan. A bunch of us raid San Quentin Prison, knocking out the guards. (The public gets mad if you kill police officers, so we just stun them.) Then we also stun any convicts who are stupid enough to get in our way instead of running for the exits.

And who do we go after: the biggest prize in California. We announce our ransom: If we get five million dollars, we will turn our prisoner over to a police department in such a way as to make sure he is returned to prison.

If we receive *ten* million dollars, we will see to it he is publicly executed so that it can be seen by the entire TV audience.

But, if we do not receive the ransom, we will let him go, unharmed and with fresh clothes and fake identity papers, on the city streets.

So the newspapers around the world would announce our terrible demand:

TERRORIST GROUP DEMANDS $10MIL RANSOM OR THEY LET CHARLES MANSON GO UNHARMED

Es de noche en la panadería, y todos los panes están durmiendo: la chilindrina, el bigote, el bolillo, la concha, etc., cuando de repente se despierta la concha y grita:

¡Soy una concha! ¡Soy una concha!

Todos los panes se despiertan, pero el más enojado era el bolillo el cual amenaza:

¡Concha, si no te callas te voy a matar!

Está bien, dijo la concha, y se acostó.

Como a los cinco minutos, la concha se vuelve a levantar gritando:

¡Soy una concha! ¡Soy una concha!

Vuelve a despertar a todos los panes y el bolillo amenaza en tono más perentorio:

¡Concha, si no te callas ahora sí te voy a matar!

Está bien, me callo, contestó la concha y se acostó.

Un rato después, la concha nuevamente se levanta y grita:

¡Soy una concha! ¡Soy una concha!

Todos los panes se despiertan y esta vez el bolillo tan sólo murmura:

Concha, te lo advertí, y le dispara.

Todos los panes se quedan espantados; la concha se levanta, se queda callada un rato y luego comienza a gritar:

¡Soy una dona! ¡Soy una dona!

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:



1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.



2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.



3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.



4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!



5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.



6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.



7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.



8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?



9. Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)



10.This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.



11.To shut down your system, type WIN.



12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.



13.COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.



14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)



15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)



16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)



17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.



18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)



19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)



20.User Error: Replace user.



21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)



22.Welcome to Microsofts World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…



23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have security?



24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

You look hot, my son, said the cleric. Why dont you rest a moment, and Ill give you a hand.



No thanks, said the young man. My father wouldnt like it.



Dont be silly, the minister said. Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.



Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and Ill give him a piece of my mind!



Well, replied the young farmer, hes under the load of hay.